Last Chance
by Luciiraptar
Summary: There are things about Spencer that nobody knows because she won't even say them to herself. There are things Quinn wants to change as she changes herself back to Lucy. And Emily just wants her friends to be happy. First fic in my Chanceverse.
1. New Girl

**A/N: So this is a sequel to Three Chances, mhm, mhm. I sort of thought this chapter was a little awkward when I wrote it, can you tell me if you think that too? (Sneaky way of getting you to review. Because it makes me smile when people say things about my work.) Anyways, this is going to be in the POVs of Emily, Spencer, and Lucy (which is, as Glee fans will surely know, is Quinn's birth name) and maybe one more, but I haven't decided yet. I'll figure that out as I go along. More Glee people may make an appearance; I know for sure that Santana and Brittany will, eventually, because I want to write them.**

* * *

_**~* Emily *~**_

The first time I see her, I'm with Paige, and I'm nudging my girlfriend's shoulder, and she's nudging back, and there's no stress anywhere at all. No A, no homophobic people, no inner turmoil, no reminder of things in the past. Just me, Paige, and her fabulous lips. And that blonde girl in the pretty dress, with a forlorn look on her face.

"She looks lost," Paige notes as she slides her arms around me, kissing my cheek. "I have this urge to help her."

I smile at my girlfriend and kiss her. "Really? Me too." I rest my head on her shoulder. "She's new, right? I mean, I haven't seen her around before."

"Well, you have been distracted lately…"

I roll my eyes at Paige, but it's true. I have been distracted, and a lot of it was Paige. The blonde girl suddenly sees Paige and me and a weird expression crosses her face as she comes over. For a second, I'm worried, and then she asks quietly, "Can I sit here? In my experience, gay people are always nice to…" She takes a deep breath. "…other gay people."

The way she finishes it is soft, quiet, almost afraid to be heard. I smile warmly at her. "Yeah, and we're pretty nice to everyone else, too. I'm Emily, and this is my girlfriend, Paige."

"I'm Q… Lucy," the blonde introduces herself, smiling faintly. It's warm, but empty.

Paige kisses me and leaves soon after, hurrying to get to her classroom so she can finish her homework. I like how hard she works to stay on the swim team; it shows she cares about it, and I love it when she gets passionate.

Lucy and I talk until Aria arrives, seeming a little frazzled. "Hey, Em," she mutters, and then she notices Lucy. "Hey. You're the new girl, right?"

"Yeah." The blonde smiles. "I'm Lucy. Nice to meet you."

I lean across the table towards Lucy. "This is Aria. She's one of my best friends." I glance at Aria and say, smiling, "Lucy's gay. Now me and Paige aren't the only ones."

Lucy is blushing when I look back at her. "Can you not tell everyone?" she whispers.

I bite my lip. "Oh. Sorry. But don't worry, Aria won't let anyone know, and I know Paige won't tell anyone without your permission. You can trust me and my circle."

She nods slowly, and then takes a few breaths, relaxing with a wince. When I ask her what's wrong, she just shrugs gently. "Old cheerleading injuries. Our coach was pretty hardcore. And I just… don't want anyone to know yet. Habit. My old town was sorta homophobic. I mean, we had out gay people, two of my best friends were lesbians and dating, and they weren't treated badly, but they were treated…"

"Differently," I finish, and she nods and smiles at me, relieved someone knows what it's like. I just smile back and reach across the table to squeeze her hand quickly. She flinches and withdraws her hand.

So, she doesn't like to be touched. I'll keep that in mind.

Spencer and Hanna arrive together, Spencer talking. "I want those notes back before the bell rings, Han—" She pauses when she sees Lucy. "That's the new girl?"

"Yep," I say before Lucy has to. "Her name's Lucy. Lucy, this is Spencer and Hanna." I point at each of them as I introduce them and Lucy smiles shyly at Hanna, and then her gaze locks onto Spencer.

Suddenly, she jumps up and winces. "Um, I'm going to… get to class. I need to find my way around here and, um, I'm just gonna…" She runs off.

Spencer looks confused for a minute, and then she sits down. "What was that? Why did she look like she broke a rib?"

I shrug, glaring at Aria to keep quiet. "She might have. She said her old cheerleading coach was pretty hardcore."

Spencer nods and turns back to Hanna; a while later the bell rings and we disperse. Aria follows me to my locker and asks, "Why didn't you want me to tell Spencer?"

I sigh. "Because she's… Spencer. I want to talk to Lucy before she goes and breaks her heart. Okay? So don't tell Spencer about it yet. And don't tell Hanna, either, because she'll just tell Spencer."

"_I'm_ going to tell Spencer," Aria mutters.

I grab her arm. "Listen. Would you tell Spencer if I had a crush on her?"

Aria pauses. "Do you?"

Sighing, I shake my head. "No, I don't. I have a girlfriend, Aria. But my point is: Would you tell her?" Aria slowly shakes her head. "So why would you tell Spencer about Lucy? It's the same thing."

Aria grumbles, shifting her things in her arms. "Well, she has a right to know that the new girl has a lesbian crush on her."

"And we'll tell her. Later. After I talk to Lucy. Okay?"

Aria grumbles more, but she agrees to not tell anyone. "Except Ezra," she adds. "Because he doesn't even talk to Spencer, and I need to talk to someone about this."

I nod. "Just until I talk to Lucy, okay?"

* * *

After school, I track down Lucy, whose face is very red. She smiles slightly when she sees me, and it's a smile of happiness and relief. "Hi, Emily," she says softly. "Um… can we talk?"

Well. Makes things easier. I just nod in response, and guide her into an empty classroom. When I turn to face her, she has a half-smile on her face. When I give her questioning look, she just shrugs. "We used empty classrooms whenever we needed to talk at my old school. Or the bathrooms. Or the auditorium, but that was more…" She takes in a breath suddenly, and then lets it out slowly with a small smile. "Anyways. I wanted to talk to you. About… Spencer."

"You like her." It isn't a question; I saw how Lucy looked at her, and that's how you look at a crush.

Even though I don't need confirmation, the blonde nods a little. "I… she's just so _pretty_. And I know there's more to her than that, but her skin looks so smooth, and her lips are…"

I can't help my quiet laughter. "Okay, can you not make poetry about my best friend? I mean, she's like…"

"Yeah," Lucy says softly, eyes far away. "That wasn't really poetry. I should write poetry about her. She deserves poetry."

"Hey." I snap my fingers in front of her face, and then I put a hand on her shoulder. "She isn't gay, okay? But there are other girls. You'll find someone right for you, okay?"

She nods, tears leaking out of her eyes, and suddenly she hugs me. Surprised, I hug back, rubbing her back gently. "It's okay," I say softly. "It's okay, Lucy."

Paige comes in as Lucy lets out her last few sobs. "Hey," she says, a little awkwardly. "Uh, Hanna said she saw you two coming in here… do you want me to…"

My answer is holding out my arm, and Paige comes and hugs both of us, which makes Lucy start crying again. After she calms down again, I squeeze her lightly. "Why are you crying so much, Lucy?"

She smiles faintly. "At my old school… I didn't really have anyone that'd just hold me while I cried. Brittany would probably just offer me candy, and Santana would say something insulting." She sighs quietly. "I really miss my friends."

"Well, why'd you move?" I glare at Paige, and she just shrugs as Lucy gets her thoughts in order.

Eventually the girl says, so quietly I have to strain to hear her words, "I just couldn't live there anymore."

I nod and hug her once more, and then I murmur, "I'm going to tell Spencer about your crush, Lucy." She looks distracted for a moment, and then she just nods to show that it's okay. I smile in relief and ask, "You ready to go?"

Lucy starts to nod again, but then she catches sight of something and stops altogether. I'm about to ask what it is, when she whispers that we can go ahead without her. I leave what I realize is the music room; in the doorway, I peek back at Lucy and see her sitting at the piano, running her fingers over the keys. I'm tempted to go in and ask her if she's okay, but Paige pulls me away gently. I kiss her cheek and murmur, "I need to talk to Spencer. I'll call you later, Paige."

My girlfriend nods and kisses me on the lips. "I'd like to come over," she whispers against my mouth before walking off. I shiver a bit, excited. She tends to do that to me, and I love it.

But I have to hold those thoughts, because I have to talk to Spencer before any fun times with my girlfriend.

I find her in the library, studying, and she jumps when I tap her on the shoulder, although she quickly relaxes. "Jesus, Em," she mutters. "Don't scare me like that." She notes my expression and sighs. "What's wrong, Em? Did you get a text from—"

"No," I cut her off quickly. I don't want her going down that train of thought, not with the news I'm about to deliver. "No, I didn't. This is much more… mundane. You know the new girl, Lucy?" Spencer nods, her face now suspicious again, and if this wasn't so serious I'd probably think it's adorable. "Well, she's gay. And she has a crush on you."

Spencer blinks, and then she glances down to her book. "Is that all? I'll talk to her tomorrow."

"I, um, already talked to her, since I didn't know how you'd take the news."

Spencer smiles. "I'm a little flattered, honestly. I mean, she barely knows me and she likes me. I'm obviously much better than I thought I was." Her joking tone makes me smile and roll my eyes at her, and Spencer just grins back. "Listen, I'll talk to her, okay? We can sort this all out and she can go on to find a beautiful girl who loves her and they'll get married and all that, but for now, I would like to study."

"Yeah. Sure." I grin at her and walk out. I know she'll handle Lucy well; I had a minor crush on her at one point, but she set my head straight and helped me realize that Paige is good for me.

Speaking of. I check my phone and spot a text from the amazing girlfriend in question; her parents are going to be gone for quite some time, and she took a shower and is laying in bed in just a towel.

_Although,_ the text finishes, _I could be wearing less if a certain girl were with me._

I don't hesitate; I tell her I'm on my way and a second later, I am.


	2. The Note

**A/N: Here it is, the second chapter of Fifth Chance! Huzzah! This was a lot of work, seriously. So you should show appreciation by reviewing. Please. I need your love and affection or I DIE! a terrible death of sadness. Or your honest criticism. That works, too. Hugs for everyone! :3 Also: There's a poem at the end and I'm not normally a poet, so tell me how I do. -coughcough-review-cough-**

* * *

_**~* Spencer *~**_

"…and then Brittany just took off her shirt and threw it at my face and Santana jumped on top of her—"

"Can you please stop?" Lucy looks at me, hurt, and I sigh. "Sorry. Just… trying to focus here. The purpose of coming here was to study, after all, and your stories are making it… kind of hard."

Hanna grins. "Fine. We'll go over there and Lucy can finish telling me her hot stories." They go to sit on the sofa and chat while the rest of us work at the table in my house.

I roll my eyes at them, ignoring my phone as it buzzes. Emily glances at me. "Who is that, Spence?"

"Nobody," I mutter as it buzzes once more. I look at the text: _Get your ass over here now. I want it._

I send a quick text back: _Busy. Wait until tonight like we agreed._

"Got someone waiting for you?" Lucy asks, a faint smirk on her pretty face.

Shrugging, I give her a playful smile. "Depends."

She leans forward, obviously accepting my challenge as she smiles sweetly. "On?"

"Whether or not you're free."

Lucy chuckles, that smirk coming back. "Sorry. You're not my type."

I mock-pout. "What is your type?"

She shrugs. "Well, Hanna's pretty hot."

Unable to help myself, I flash a grin at Hanna and say, "Well, you're in luck. Get her drunk enough and she'll try to make out with anything close to her."

Hanna freezes. "I do _not_, Spencer!"

"Tell that to my lamp," I mutter, and Hanna just pouts at me while I return my attention to my work.

"Seriously, though," Aria says quietly. "Who was that? It sort of seemed important, since they were texting you so many times."

"It was nobody, Ar." I smile warmly at her. "Let's just study, okay?"

"Okay," she says quietly, returning her attention to her books and not saying anything about it, although I can tell she wants to.

We study until night; Lucy is the last to go, and she hugs me differently from the others. I can feel her hand slipping into my back pocket and then her lips press against my cheek. "Don't read that until you're done with whoever you're meeting," she whispers with a smile. "And tell her I said hi." Before I can say anything, she smirks and walks away, hips swaying. I swear at myself in my mind for a moment, and then I go to get changed to meet my lover, of sorts.

* * *

"Emily told me that you aren't gay," Lucy says, single eyebrow raised in a silent question.

"I'm not," is my simple answer. "I just take what I want."

She smiles, just a little. "It's not like you have to be scared. One of your best friends is gay. Besides, people are going to be talking about you now. I mean…" Her fingers move over my neck. "I think Santana would like you," she murmurs. "Apparently, you have a bit of an aggressive side."

"A bit?" I grin. "I'm captain of the field hockey team for a reason, Luce."

Her eyes meet mine suddenly, and then she smiles faintly. "You called me Luce."

"You don't like it?"

"No." She smiles and hugs me gently. "No, I do. It's just weird. It's been a while since anyone was that familiar with me. Forever, actually. Not even my…" She blinks. "Anyways. Speaking of field hockey… I think I'd like to come to a game. I've never seen field hockey before. They didn't have it at any of my previous schools."

I grin. "Gonna cheer me on?"

She smirks. "What makes you think I want to cheer for you, Spencer? I'm sure there are girls much prettier than you that would enjoy my attention very much."

Anger flushes through me, and then I slide my arms around her. "Oh, come on. You flirt with me so much, we both know you want me."

Lucy puts her hand on my chest and pushes me away. "Yes," she says quietly, "I do. But you want my body. So please don't do that."

I'm confused, and I'm about to ask what she means by that, when she smiles warmly. "Come on, I want to show you some of my favorite books."

Later, when I'm hanging out with Emily in her room, I grumble, "I think she's hot. I just don't understand…"

"Don't understand what? Why she isn't jumping at the chance to sleep with you?"

I shrug. "Well, that's part of it. I just don't understand _her_. I mean, one second she's lost in her memories, the next she's flirting, then she's telling me she wants me but she doesn't, and then she's showing me her favorite things like we're on a date! It's just really confusing."

Emily grins. "I don't think your problem is that you don't understand her, Spence. I think your problem is that you don't understand her and you _like_ her."

I roll my eyes at her. "I don't like her, I want to make out with her. There's a difference, Em."

Emily gets a text and checks it, then squirms a little. "Paige?" I say with a smile, and Emily nods, although she doesn't need to. She has the big grin she always gets when Paige texts her, and I'm pretty sure it was something sexy.

It makes me think of the piece of paper resting in my bedroom. I still haven't read it, for some reason. I decide to read it as soon as I get home.

Emily sets her phone aside. "Listen, Spencer, you know you have my full support…"

I glance at her. "This better end with cake." I try to force my tone to stay jovial, but it's hard; her tone has too much intervention in it.

"You don't need to be afraid of your sexuality, Spencer. I mean, I'm your best friend, and I'm gay."

I put my hand on top of hers. "Yes. You are. I'm not. Okay?"

"When was the last time you looked at a boy the way you look at Lucy?"

I don't answer her, choosing instead to begin studying again. When she tries to say something I interrupt with, "I'd really like to study, Emily." She just shrugs a little and settles down with me. My phone buzzes with a text from Lucy—_What're you doing, dearest?_ It makes me blush slightly, and Emily notices and just smiles a little. I send a quick text back, just a simple _Studying_, and moments later…

I blush.

_I'm studying too. My biology._

_What does that mean?_

_What do you think it means?_

I'm burning with equal amounts of indignation and curiosity; I want to know if she's actually doing what I think she's doing, and I'm angry that she won't just give me a straight answer. I'm imagining her fingers going places my fingers want to be, but I wouldn't be surprised if she was actually studying a biology textbook. She likes to tease, and she loves double entendres, and that's probably the most frustrating thing about her.

After a few minutes, I decide to answer, _I could probably help you with that._

_I'm sure you could. But I seem to be doing fine on my own._

I sigh quietly. _You infuriate me._

_Hot._

With one word, she makes me blush more than I ever have before. I put my phone under a pillow, grumbling. "That won't solve anything," Emily says gently. "You should really talk to her, I think."

I smirk at her. "Paige wants to come over?"

Emily shrugs. "Maybe a little. But you should still talk to her anyways, Spence."

That makes me smile, and I give her a quick one-armed hug. "I'm gone, Em. Have a good time with Paige."

On my way home, I text Hanna and Aria to see what they're up to; in the middle of those conversations, I get a text from Lucy: _Please don't tell me you're done with me, sexy. We have a lot to do._

_Oh, no. I'm definitely not done with you._ I glance up from my phone before crossing the street to my house, humming as I step inside. _About to read that note you gave me._

It's almost a minute before she texts back: _You mean you didn't? I thought you kept it under your pillow to remember it always._

Eyes widening, I hurry upstairs… where a blonde is sitting on my bed, contemplating the piece of paper. "Your mom let me in as she was going out," she murmurs. "I decided to come in here and investigate you a little. I mean, you might be my girlfriend after I reform you. Gotta make sure you don't have a creepy shrine to anyone. I mean, I didn't look in your closet or anything. I'm not a stalker. But I looked around and I felt under your pillows because that's where my sister always kept things she wanted to remember, and you sort of remind me of her… I mean, like, you're all confident and sexy and… I mean, I don't think my sister's sexy, but…"

I sit on the bed and cover her mouth. "Hey. Why are you nervous? You don't have to be nervous."

She blushes, and starts talking as soon as I move my hand. "Sorry. Just… I mean, we're not going out, and once I get nervous I get more nervous… I really can't help it, and—" Lucy lets out a soft whimper as I kiss her, just for a second, before pulling away. "Why…"

I cover her mouth again. "Because," I say softly, "you're nervous. And I figure making out's a good way to relax." I grin playfully at her, and she smiles back. "Listen, Luce, as long as you aren't going through my panty drawer…" At her guilty look, I sigh quietly. "Did you?"

"Maybe… a little." Lucy bites her lip. "But I swear I didn't take anything or anything weird like that, I mean, I'm not…" She sighs when I hold out my hand and pulls a pair of underwear from her pocket. I fold them back up and put them where they belong.

Then I turn back to her. "Anyways. Like I was saying. We aren't going out, and we won't be, but I like you… and I don't mind if you're in my room as long as you aren't taking things or going through my stuff."

Lucy nods and lays on her back, stretching out. "So, you gonna read my note? I mean, if you are… I might let you kiss me for longer than a second. Maybe. If you play your cards right, I may even let you do it again sometime."

Infuriating, vexing vixen. "What was that you were saying earlier, about reforming me?" I ask, simply to change the subject.

Lucy twirls a lock of her hair around her finger, adorably. "Well… you're basically a sex-crazed deviant at the moment, yes? Unfortunately for you, I have standards. And they're higher than a girl who just wants to do sweaty things to my naked body and then walk out of my life. So, when you want to like me, and when you aren't scared to admit the truth, then you'll get something. Note."

She hands me the little piece of paper and I read it.

_There are words:_

_Words of love, words of hate_

_Words to help celebrate_

_Words make sentences:_

_To make smiles and tears,_

_To ease many fears_

_Sentences make stories:_

_Stories about me and you_

_Stories I hope come true_

I glance up at her. "What does it mean?"

"It means," she says softly, pulling me down on top of her, "I want us to have a romance they write about for years."


	3. Running Away, Moving On

**A/N: So, where have I been? some of you may ask. Writing other fandoms, of course, I answer. Also, actual novel-y writing. Fanfiction is always a lower priority than my career, so if I disappear for a while, just know that I haven't forgotten about you, my three loyal fans. And, finally, please review. Please. Pretty please with a hug on top. I want to know what you think of my writing. PS anyone who's in lesbians with someone else, you should say so, just so I know how many lady-loving ladies like my stories, because lesbians are the most important demographic to me. If you're bisexual or straight you can say that too, and also asexuals, but only if you're going to be my friend. Anyways, story. Here you go:**

* * *

_**~* Lucy *~**_

I'm sitting at my desk in my new house, composing poetry. Mostly about Spencer, but the sight of Paige and Emily together evoked some emotions worth putting to paper, and Hanna… she's pretty, not too bright, sweet and loyal. Just the kind of girl I should want. I've been trying to write something about her but everything just goes into the trash; nothing's beautiful like the things I write about Spencer. My obsession should be troubling, yet it's somehow not.

I can remember something Sam made up—we just finished watching _The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_ and he said I was his forty-two, his answer to the meaning of life, the universe, everything. It was sweet. Somewhat nonsensical, but sweet. I understand what he meant, now, a little; Spencer is in my heart, in a special place. Right now, through the eyes of new love, it sure seems like she's everything. That's why I'm being (or at least trying to be) very, very careful with her.

At the moment, she seems like my forty-two. In a week, I'll probably hate her. But for now, I love her.

Enough to write twenty-two poems about her on a Saturday afternoon.

Ugh. I'm pathetic. I used to be in charge of everything, then things happened, and now I'm writing sappy love poetry to a girl who would rather just use me, then toss me in the trash. A part of me wants to give in to that; I know how it would make me feel, and a part of me wants that.

The more _Quinn_ part of me wants to do the same to her, or beat her down, verbally or physically. But I left that part of me behind in Lima; that was a personality based on a defense mechanism. The quintessentially Quinn bits also want to just have fun, especially if it's naked. But that's even worse, generally.

I slept with Puck and ruined my life; I slept with Brittany and ruined my friendships; I couldn't even sleep with myself without getting into some awkward conversations with Judy.

Groaning, I let my head hit the desk with a thump.

Instantly, my mother is at the door, asking me if I'm okay. I wave her away. "Just reveling in how pathetic I am."

She bites her lip. "Is it about that… Spencer girl?" I nod, and she comes to me and rubs my back. "Don't worry too much about it, dear. There will be other bo—other girls." My mother gives me a tiny, apologetic smile, and I wrap my arms around her neck, forgiving her for the slip-up. It's hard for her, I know, for many reasons. "Just give it time and get to know her. If she's worth it, you'll know."

I avoid the obvious barb I could put into my mother: _Like you're such a good judge of character?_ That'd just lead to an argument neither of us wants to have.

Besides, I don't think Russell was the way he was at first; the way Judy talks about him… he was sweet, at first. It's just that he was actually an insufferable jerk.

But she's _trying_, and that's the important part.

After a moment, she goes back downstairs, leaving me alone with my art. We've had conversations; when I'm writing, I like to be left alone.

After a few more poems (I manage to make them about locations and not lesbians) I put my pen down and stretch out slowly. I still look damn good; habitually, I've exercised hard to keep my figure. Because I look hot. That was one of my wishes as Lucy; to be beautiful. Funny how being beautiful also made me terrible.

Although, I'm not too sure about that. Causality is strange. I like to think that way, though, because that implies that now, in my flawed and not beautiful state, I'm not terrible.

_But you are beautiful,_ some long-lost part of me whispers.

I have to get rid of that. I take off my clothes and look at myself, look at the scars from the surgeries, and the few I made myself. I'm not beautiful. I'm marred.

After a moment, I sigh quietly and put my shirt on. I decide to try and read, but I'm too jittery now, and I shout at my mom that I'm going out for a quick run as I put on my running shoes. She says to be back before it gets dark, with a smile on her face, and I smile a bit as well. Before, I used to go for runs and then just stay at Brittany's or Santana's. We never talked about it, but it happened a lot.

Then my mother sets her hand on my arm as I'm about to go out the door. "Be careful," she says, emphasizing the second word. I nod. The first time I tried to run after the accident, I nearly landed in the hospital again.

I start with a slow jog, warming up, before I slowly start stretching myself out more, until I'm speeding through the streets and then into the woods.

I'm not sure how long I run for, but after a while I make a loop and head back towards my house. I made sure to figure out as many ways to get home as possible, just so I wouldn't ever get lost in Rosewood.

When I stop in front of my house, leaning over slightly to get oxygen, I feel much better. Running, and physical activity in general, has always been therapeutic for me. The harder it is for me to breathe afterwards, the better.

My mom is gone when I walk in, and a few calls of "Judy?" produce no results, so I shrug and head up to shower. Once I feel I'm thoroughly cleaned, I wrap a towel around my body and head into my room. I'm looking through my closet when I hear, "So, I figured I'd return the favor."

I spin around, flushing as I realize I only have a towel on and I was just bending over to observe my collection of jeans, and find Spencer on my bed, twirling a pair of my panties around her finger as she grins. "Yours are cuter than mine."

They're a pair of Hello Kitty underwear that Santana got me as a joke, a while after she came out. I'm not exactly sure what the joke was, but it sure was funny at the time.

I feel my blush reaching into almost every part of me. "Why didn't you say anything when I walked in? I'm almost naked!"

"I can see that." There's an amused smirk on Spencer's face that I want to slap or kiss off, at the same time. "I thought you saw me. I was, after all, laying on your bed in the sexiest pose I could think of with a pair of your underwear gagging me."

My heart nearly explodes.

She laughs. "Oh, the look on your face. I didn't stuff your underwear in your mouth, that'd be weird."

Suddenly, I snap back to my senses. "Out."

Spencer freezes, confused. "What?"

Quinn the Bitch starts rising. "Out. I need to get dressed, and then I'll deal with you." I stalk over to her and kiss her lightly, then pull back to see her eyes widening. "Now out," I whisper again.

Spencer scrambles out, still holding my panties.

Oh, whatever. I'll get those later. I can hear her outside, speaking in low tones on the phone. To Aria, I think. The friendship those two have is so cute.

I get dressed quickly, nothing too complex, just a tank top and jeans, not too dissimilar from what I was wearing before my run. I let Spencer back in and grab my underwear from her hands. "Thank you very much," I murmur as I drop them in my dirty clothes pile.

"Your room is very ordered," Spencer comments as she settles on my bed again. "I like it."

I nod. Another Quinn habit: The dirty clothes pile is the only disordered thing in my room.

Plus, I like the way everything looks, when it's all in its place and unchanging.

I sit down next to Spencer on my bed, and she hops off, going over to my trophies. "You know, these all say Quinn, not Lucy." She glances back. "Something you want to tell me?"

Shit. I never really thought about my trophies. "There was a time when I went by my middle name. I… wanted to be a different person. So I became one. And… it didn't end well, which is why I'm here." I pull my legs up to my chest and hug them, resting my forehead against my knees. My body protests, but I ignore it.

It didn't end well. I think, suddenly, of Beth. My daughter. I left her behind. I told Puck to take good care of her, while he was there. I shouldn't have left her. I should have…

I sigh softly.

Spencer, thankfully, decides to change the subject. "I think your mom thinks we're going to have sex."

I shake my head. "No, no way." I pause. "Why does she think we're going to have sex?"

"Well, I told her that last time you came over to my house alone, things got a little heated. I think she thought I was talking about us…" She makes scissoring motions with her fingers, and I shake my head.

"My mom knows I'm not having sex anytime soon," I grumble. "It hasn't ended well for me, in the past."

Although I have to wonder. She vacated the premises. I send a quick text to my mother: _Spencer is NOT as charming as she thinks she is, mom. My purity will remain intact._

A few minutes later I get a simple _I know_ from her, and smile happily. She knows me well.

She should. I'm her daughter, after all.

When I glance back up at Spencer, she's going through my underwear drawer again. "What," I say slowly, confusion in my tone, "are you doing?"

"You can tell a lot about a girl by her underwear, I think. Like this." She holds up black, lacy lingerie, part of a set I was wearing when I tried to sleep with Santana. I was desperate, just wanting someone to _want_ me. Brittany wanted me, and after that everything went to hell.

I shove that back in the drawer and slam it shut. Bad memories. Everything around me is just more bad memories.

I sit down on my bed in my previous position, trying not to cry.

Spencer comes over. "Hey, I'm sorry. What's wrong?" She starts to rub my back, and I flinch instinctively. For a while, my back was always on fire with pain.

Spencer takes it the wrong way, and pulls away. "I'm sorry. I mean, I thought…"

I twist to grab her hand and wince. "No, no, no. It's just reflexive. I'm sorry. Don't… it's not you, it's my body, and things that happened to it. I'm sorry."

I pull her towards me, and gently guide her to exactly in front of me, then hug her. "I'm sorry," I repeat. "I like you, Spencer. That's why I haven't told you to go away yet. I think you're pretty, and nice, and… I want to help you accept who you are. I've spoken with Emily, and I know you don't."

Something like anger flares in her eyes, but then it dies down a bit. "I… like you too," she admits, and I can tell it takes a lot. "You're so strong, and, well, stronger than me." That takes more. I can see the almost physical pain in that admittance. "I just… my family…"

"I understand." I settle my forehead against hers and then sigh. "Believe me, I understand. But it's okay. We can work through it all. Okay? But for now, let's start with the simple things. I like you. You like me. Your lips are very soft."

We kiss again, until she pulls away. "I'm sorry," she whispers breathlessly. "I just… can't. I…" Spencer lets out a shuddering breath. "I should go."

She's out the door before I can say anything.

A while later, Hanna calls me. "Lucy, what did you do to Spencer? She's at Aria's, completely freaking out, and she won't talk to either of us."

I sigh. "I kissed her. I told her I want to help her. Then she ran out. Just… get Emily. I don't think she wants to talk to me right now, but she might be able to talk about with Emily."

"Okay." There's a moment, and I'm about to say goodbye, when she asks, very shyly, "Can I come over?"

My brain says no and my mouth says "Yeah, sure. That'd be great."

I answer the door a minute later, and Hanna's standing, biting her lip. I can feel my jaw drop: She looks absolutely gorgeous. Her hair is curled, and she's wearing a skintight black dress I can't even start to think about, because all I can see is the way it clings to her body.

While I'm not proud of it, I am a teenage girl, and I do get feelings, and these feelings are telling me to drag Hanna in, shove her onto my bed, and have my way with her.

I take a deep breath to calm myself. "Come in, Hanna."

She steps in and I shut the door, and we're much too close to each other, her breath on my face. I can't breathe. We're too close, too close to…

When Hanna kisses me, I explode. All my repressed lust, for Spencer, for Hanna, for so many pretty girls I've known, comes out of me in one hard, long kiss, and then another one, and then a third, right there in front of the door.

Then it opens. "Oh," my mom says. "Ah, Lucy, if you want me to come back later…"

I blush. "Uh, no, mom, it's okay. We'll just go up to my room and I promise we won't do… anything." She knows what I mean by that, and nods gently. She trusts me. Hanna and I run up to my room and I shut the door behind us.

Then I turn to Hanna. "Look, I don't want you to get the wrong idea here. You're sweet, and cute, and so good… but…"

"You like Spencer. It's okay. I knew that." Hanna takes a deep breath and smiles. "I honestly didn't think we'd… make out like that. But it was good. Wasn't it?"

"It was," I admit with a smile. "But I thought you were straight, Hanna."

She shrugs. "I've dated guys. Doesn't mean I'm straight."

"Then, what? You're a lesbian that happens to…" I figure it out and smack my forehead lightly. "Oh, wow. I'm stupid. I've had bisexual friends, too. Wow. Oh, man."

Hanna laughs. It's a good laugh, a pretty laugh. "Well, at least you figured it out. Come here." She pulls me onto my bed. "Tell me about what happened with Spencer, today."

I get through it as quickly as I can, and at the end Hanna's looking at me strangely. "What?" I want to curl in on myself. Of course, that'd probably murder my scars. And, by extension, me.

"You're just…" She grabs my hand. "Great. If I was Spencer, I'd be your girlfriend. Just be patient and she'll come around. Because you're great."

I look down at our hands, and rub the back of hers with my thumb. "I don't know if I should, honestly. I'm trying to be healthy and happy, and she doesn't really seem like she'd be good for my health or my happiness. I want to go after her more, but I don't think I should." I run a hand down Hanna's back, then back up. "I want you. I like you. You're nice and loyal…" A thought occurs to me and I smile involuntarily. "You're Rainbow Dash."

Hanna blinks. "You… watch My Little Pony?"

Unable to help my giggle, I murmur, "Yeah. Like a boss."

Hanna's face breaks into a grin. "You don't seem like the type."

I pout. "Really? Well, there's a lot you wouldn't think I'm into. Women, Friendship is Magic, Halo, philosophy, poetry. I'm starting to write short stories, too."

Hanna reaches out to tuck a lock of hair behind my ear. "You are a lot cooler than I thought, Lucy."

After a moment of silence, I ask, "Do you want to get coffee tomorrow?"

"Oh, God, yes. And the day after that?"

I smile. "It's two dates, then."

I kiss her, and she kisses back, and after an eternity of kissing, Hanna has to leave.

When I go downstairs, my mom asks, "What happened to Spencer?"

I sigh, running my hand through my hair. I honestly don't know. I've been keeping her out of my mind. I just want to be happy, an easy happiness that doesn't require me to force my way through a million emotional blockades.

"I just want to be happy," I reply quietly.

She nods. "Well… Hanna's a very nice girl." She opens her arms, and I hug her, letting myself feel safe in her embrace.


	4. A Problem, Box, and Visit

**A/N: OMG DRAMA. Next chapter will be delivered to you a little quicker, because I want to write it so badly. Then it'll be back to normal schedule, maybe, as I try to write more diverse things, and work on my existing projects. You should read my story "gentle words of sweet suicide", as it's the first taste of me trying out different styles. Lastly, please review. Please please please please please I'm begging now I need words of wisdom about my writing. Doubly lastly, shout out to my one lesbian reader. You're awesome. Triply lastly, Flutterdash. Now read.**

* * *

_**~* Emily *~**_

I watch Spencer pace back and forth. "I thought you didn't like her," Paige says quietly.

"I don't!" Spencer spins around. "Who told you I like her? Because I… do." She takes a deep breath and starts pacing again. "I'm so pathetic." She spins around again. "Why did Hanna start dating her?"

I sigh, rubbing Paige's arm. We had been planning a fun night, when Spencer had burst in. I quickly put the alcoholic beverages away while Paige hid the handcuffs, and then we began watching Spencer pace.

"In case you hadn't noticed," I tell my friend, "you were sort of freaking out on her. Maybe she wanted a girl who wouldn't do that."

"I didn't even know Hanna was into girls!"

"And if she did, she probably would've slept with her," Paige grumbles in my ear, and I shush her gently.

"We didn't know you were, either," I remind Spencer.

"Yeah, well, Hanna's in a different situation than me." Spencer throws herself across my bed. "God, if my mom ever finds out…"

"She'd be cool with it," I interject. "I mean, she was cool with me, right?"

"Well, you're not her daughter, Emily." I sigh. "Can we not talk about this? I'm not really… gay, anyways."

Everyone knows what that is: A weak attempt at deflecting away from the real problem.

But I let it go for now, and signal to Paige to keep her mouth shut for the time being.

I reach out and rub her shoulder gently. "Hey. I think you should try talking to Lucy. Or both of them. Sort everything out. Tomorrow, of course." I glance out the dark window for a second, then turn my attention back to Spencer. "I mean, it usually works." Talking has always worked with Paige and I.

I find my girlfriend's fingers without looking and grab her hand, squeezing it gently. I feel her thumb drifting over the back of my hand and smile.

Spencer takes a deep breath and nods. "Yeah. Yeah, I'll do that. Thanks, Em."

She kisses both of us on the cheek and leaves. We wait a few minutes before I grab the whiskey and she grabs the handcuffs. "Lay back," she murmurs, kissing me onto my back. "I'll help you with the drinking, Em." I smile at her as the handcuffs slide around my wrists.

* * *

"Hey, Em…"

Groaning, I drop my head into my arms. "Please tell me it's not serious, Aria. I'm too hung over for serious."

Aria frowns. "I thought you weren't ever going to drink again after that one incident, Em."

I shrug. "Relationships are about compromise, Aria. Paige wanted to drink. I wanted the…" I catch myself and say, "Look, there's Lucy!" I'm blushing, but Aria doesn't say anything as Lucy sits down gingerly.

"Hey, you guys." Lucy stretches carefully, then smiles at us. "Hanna and I had a good night last night. We snuggled and watched TV, and then I sent her home. What did you and Paige do last night, Emily?" Her voice is teasing and implies she knows exactly what I did last night. When I don't reply, and just blush, she laughs again and sets her hand on mine. "It's none of anyone's business, I know. You have that _look_, though. I'm familiar with it." She turns her attention to Aria. "What about you? Good night?"

It's Aria's turn to blush. "No, not last night. Unless you think reading and studying until ten is a good night."

Lucy chuckles. "Oh, yeah. That's definitely a fun time." She turns a brilliant smile on Hanna, who sits next to her. They share a quick kiss, and then Lucy grabs Hanna's hand. "How're you today, babe?" It's low and sexy. Words for lovers.

My mind involuntarily travels in Spencer's direction, and she suddenly appears. Her eyes linger on Hanna and Lucy for just a second, and then she sits down next to Aria. "Hey," she says, lightly. "What's up?"

"Nothing," Aria says. "Just waiting for school to start."

Spencer nods slowly, then fakes a smile towards Hanna and Lucy. "Hey, you two."

"Hey," Lucy says quietly, pulling Hanna's hand up to her lips, nuzzling her fingers. I can see how much she wants to hide. I don't think she realized she'd have to be with Hanna in front of Spencer.

Well, she's certainly realized it now.

I think Hanna's realizing it, too, because she pulls her hand from Lucy, coughing gently. "We really should be getting to class, Luce. Y'know, grades, and stuff."

Hanna scurries away, pulling Lucy with. I look at Spencer, who has her eyes shut, chest rising and falling rhythmically, and after a moment she whispers, "It should be me calling her Luce and taking her hand."

I lean over and hug her one-armed. "Spence. You gave up that chance, remember? But there'll be other girls. Other girls who are just as pretty."

Aria, even though she doesn't really know all of what's going on, comforts her friend. "Yeah. What Emily said. You'll find someone."

Spencer nods slowly, although she obviously still wants Lucy bad. Paige drops down next to me suddenly. "What's going on with the baby dyke?" She gives Spencer a playful smile, then falters at Spencer's look. "Oh-kay, then. Uh, forget I said that. Um, honey? Can you get your friend to stop looking like she's going to kill me any second?"

I grab Spencer's hand. "She didn't mean anything bad by it, Spence."

Spencer snatches her hand from mine. "I'm not gay. I'm just, just…" She falters, unable to come up with something, and then she leaves hurriedly.

Aria turns to Paige and I. "Seriously, what's up with her lately? I mean, I knew she had that flirting thing going on with Lucy, but I didn't think Lucy and Hanna dating would affect her so much."

"I think Spencer loves her," I confess. "Just afraid to tell her. We need to find some way to help her come out of the closet."

"Well," Aria says, "I seem to recall, she's already done that. And she's doing it again." She points and we turn; she's holding Jenna's hand, taking her outside, towards the parking lot. Jenna's saying something, but Spencer, looking angry, isn't listening.

After a moment, Jenna stops, forcing Spencer to stop as well. And then, too quickly for me to know who started it, they're crushed against each other, kissing, hands all over each other. And then they're running for the parking lot.

I sigh. "I really hope Spencer isn't going back to her old ways." Although I can't help but wonder about what they're doing, where they're doing it. Paige and I once tried to do it in a car, when we were making out and getting way too hot. It was a bit awkward, although nowhere near as difficult as I've read it is for hetero couples.

Yet another reason being a lesbian is great.

"Em?" Paige squeezes my hand. "You, uh, you just went to your happy place."

I blush slightly. Ever since Paige and I started doing it, I've been having a lot of sex fantasies. Paige calls it my happy place. "Yeah. I was just remembering… the _tiny_ place we stayed in that one time. Remember? So small, barely room to move without hitting each other…"

Paige coughs quietly. "Oh. Yeah. That. Was… fun."

Aria sighs. "If you two are going to be talking about lesbian sex, I'm going." And she leaves, before Paige and I can stutter out our denials.

My girlfriend and I share a look. "How did we make everyone leave?" she says, confused. "And how do we do it when my mom's in the house?"

That makes me smile. "Come on. If nobody's here, we might as well get to class." I kiss Paige before standing up, and then I hear Lucy's squealing.

Paige and I run to find her, since anything that has to produce a squeal that large has to be pretty impressive and I want to know. We find her in an empty classroom, with Hanna, who's holding a box. I can't see what's inside it, but Lucy's practically hyperventilating over it. She kisses Hanna over and over until the blonde drops the box, and I rush to pick it up as they start making out pretty heavily.

It's a necklace.

It's a Fluttershy necklace.

And a golden pen.

I'm slightly confused, as Lucy snatches the box away from me, staring down at the two gifts with tears in her eyes. Actual tears made of water. "This is the best day ever! I love you so much right now, Hanna!" Lucy kisses Hanna hard, then pulls away, eyes wide. "Oh. Um."

From their looks, I can tell this is the first time saying it. "So cute," Paige murmurs. "Let's leave them to it, yeah?" I nod, and we back out of the room quickly, shutting the door behind us. "I feel like we should put an out-of-order sign on the door, or something." I don't even bother replying to that, just roll my eyes at my girlfriend. She's just so cute.

On our way to class, she decides to tell me, "You know, I just happened to forget my underwear today."

My knees almost buckle. "We have time," I mutter as I drag her towards a different empty classroom. "We're going to use it."

* * *

"Jesus, how many times do you two have sex?"

Paige and I blush. Lucy has a delighted smile on her face, though, and she's restraining laughter. "And in school? Paige, I knew you were into the kinky stuff the second I saw you, but _Emily_? You're all goody-goody and stuff."

"Trust me, she's not." I glare at Hanna, but she just winks at me. I notice that Lucy's wearing that necklace proudly, and wonder where the pen is. "She's secretly a badass. And a pervert." I start to protest, but Hanna raises a hand to silence me. "I remember you looking at my ass in seventh grade, Em. Heaven knows what kinds of perverse dreams you were having."

I can't think of a response to that.

Thankfully, though, I'm saved by the arrival of Spencer and Aria. "Hey, who made Em blush?"

Lucy raises her hand. "It's not that hard, really. She and Paige had some fun times in school."

"In a classroom," Hanna adds.

"I didn't say that," I whine.

"You just did!" Lucy starts giggling, then straightens suddenly, eyes widening. "Oh. Wait a…" She's looking at something in the distance.

"What is it?" I ask her, trying to follow her gaze.

"Just… someone I thought I left behind."

Hanna gets up. "Need me to beat someone up, babe?"

"Sit down," Lucy chastises. "Just stay here, okay? I'll… I can deal with it on my own. Just stay." She gets up, and we all get up, making her sigh. "Don't you know the meaning of _stay_?"

I nod. "But we're coming with, Lucy. You're our friend."

She takes a few breaths, then sighs and mutters, "Might as well have witnesses, if only to justify my claim of self-defense." At our alarmed looks, she laughs bitterly. "Relax. I'm kidding. Mostly kidding, anyways," she adds under her breath. I'm the only one close enough to hear it as we exit the building.

Outside, I finally see what she saw: There's a group of people loitering, with two standing separate, a blonde girl and a Latina girl. Those two are close together, heads low, pinkies linked. The Latina's head snaps up as Quinn approaches. "Hey, bitch. Just so you know, none of this was my idea. Most of it was _hers_." Her tone implies Lucy knows exactly who the girl is talking about. "So I'm sorry in advance."

Lucy's eyes slide from the brunette to the blonde, who chirps happily, "I'm really glad to see you, Q!"

Q?

My phone buzzes, and I take it out.

**Looks like little Lucy has been keeping secrets. How many more does she have? -A**

"Good to see you, too, B," Lucy says, seeming tired. "Everyone, these are… were… my best friends, Brittany and Santana. B and S, meet my Rosewood friends. Emily, Spencer, Aria, Paige… and my girlfriend, Hanna."

"Oh." Santana crosses her arms over her nice chest. "Oh, uh, this got way more awkward. Uh, hi, Hanna. Hurt my Quinn and I swear I'll have your head."

Quinn?

"I go by Lucy again," the blonde whispers, almost shamefully.

The other blonde looks sad. "Oh, Q." Then she blinks. "Is it L now?"

Lucy sighs. "Whatever you want to call me, Brittany. This isn't everyone. Where's…"

"Finn? Left. After Rachel dumped his sorry ass for some hot little freshman cheerleader. Thin, blonde, bitchy. Remind you of anyone?" Santana has a challenging look on her face.

Lucy nods slightly. "Yeah. Quinn." I can see some other part of her coming out now. "Listen, Santana, I know how things ended and I just—"

"Q, if you apologize, I'm going to knock your ass flat on the ground. Water and the bridge and all that. Oh, hell, here comes the midget."

A short brunette girl has separated from the others, and steps towards Lucy. Her eyes are wide and tearing up a bit; Lucy is biting her lip so hard I'm worried she'll break skin.

The brunette steps forward, and says that strange name, her voice hoarse: "Quinn?"

Lucy's eyes widen and I can sense she's on the verge of breakdown, and I'm about to intercede when she whispers, "Rachel… I—"

That's when the rest of the group… happens.


	5. Diamonds

**A/N: You're welcome.**

**I really love writing Santana and Brittany. I think I should do a Brittana fic. Who thinks I should? Review and tell me! Please. Pretty please. Then go watch some lesbian movies (not that kind, pervert) as you prepare for the feels-stuffed chapter six! Also known as: Chapter _sex_. Not really. But you can't have the number six without turning it into 'sex'. That's a scientific fact that has been scientifically proven by science. Here's a chapter!:**

* * *

_**~* Spencer *~**_

As the group of boys and girls launch into a confused and confusing rendition of "Want You Back" by Cher Lloyd, Lucy (or is it Quinn?) is staring at that brunette girl. I want to slap the short woman across the face; I already have to figure out how to get Lucy away from Hanna, I don't want another competitor.

The performance (thankfully) only lasts a few seconds before Lucy snaps, "Stop that, now!" She seems angry right now, and I have no idea why that's so hot. I sit down before my knees give out, and hope nobody notices. She goes on. "First of all, that song makes no sense whatsoever. Second, you shouldn't even be here. I left without saying goodbye for a reason. I never wanted to see any of you again. Third—Rachel, why the _fuck_ did you think it was a good idea to show up here?"

The tiny brunette, Rachel, shrinks back a little bit. "Quinn, I just thought…"

"No, Rachel." Lucy is stalking forward, a completely different person than the Lucy I've known, and god_damn_ is it the sexiest thing I've ever seen. "You didn't think. That's why you're here in the first place. I don't care what reason you give, I know why you're here. I'm the only one who ever really knew you. You're here because you're not satisfied with your little Quinn clone, you want the real thing. Well, guess what? Quinn's gone! I left her behind in Lima! I'm Lucy now, and I'm… I am much happier without you."

The last sentence is delivered softer, and I can see it hit Rachel like a solid slap across the face. Lucy steps back, now wearing an impassive mask, as Rachel stumbles back towards her friends. "If you'll excuse me," Lucy says smoothly, now a cold stranger, "I have to talk to my girlfriend. Come on, Hanna. We can talk on the way to class." She takes Hanna's hand, already talking quietly as they head inside.

Emily coughs quietly. "Ah, I think we'd better get inside."

I nod. "Yeah. Just… I'll be right behind you. I have a few questions." Aria looks like she wants to stay with me, but I give her a warm smile and she nods slightly, heading inside.

My eyes find Santana's. "You want my Quinn?"

"Lucy," I correct. "She doesn't call herself Quinn."

Santana snorts. "Quinn's her middle name and I'm going to call her Quinn 'til it's not. Now answer the question, She-Hulk."

I glance at my arms. "Huh. Didn't think I worked out _that_ much. Or maybe it's just the nauseous green tint I get when I look at you." If she wants to a bitch, I'll bite back.

I can see the Latina's lips twitch with the beginning of a smile. "Whatever. I can already tell you do. B, do you think this girl wants to get in our Q's pants?"

Brittany blinks. "It's hard to have sex with pants on," she says in a patronizing tone, completely serious. "I think she wants to take Q's pants off."

Santana chuckles. "Yeah, B, you're right." She kisses the blonde on the cheek, then glances slyly at me. "So. You want Quinn, and she's dating your friend."

My eyes slide past her, towards the others. Santana follows my gaze and chuckles. "You have Berry to worry about, too. I guess. Girl's like a terrier. Once she gets her teeth into a plan, she won't let go. And she pisses everywhere. But she hurt Q pretty bad before she moved, so I don't think you're in any trouble on that front. Now." Santana slides an arm around me. "This Hanna girl, she seems fine, but my girl's been Quinn so long, she doesn't remember how to be nice."

"S," Brittany says, confused, "I thought I was your girl."

"You're my woman, B," Santana says with a fond smile. "Quinn's my girl. Remember? We had this talk a while ago."

"Oh. Yeah."

Santana turns her attention back to me. "Where was I? Oh, yeah. See, most girls like nice. But I saw you when Quinn got scary. You got like Britt gets when I feed her candy."

"Super horny," the blonde clarifies.

The Latina nods and adds, "You basically came in your pants in public. Which, bravo. Even I've never done that."

"Except for that one time," Brittany says pointedly.

"Babe, I didn't have my pants on."

"Oh, yeah."

I cough quietly to remind them of my presence. Santana gives me an irritated look. "The point is, she needs someone like you. Who gets turned on when she gets all dominating."

"I'm not very submissive."

Santana grins. "Who said you have to be submissive? All I said is, you get turned on when she starts the power stuff."

I suddenly become aware that we're talking about sex in public. "Look, can we talk about this later? After school, maybe? I have to get to class and this isn't really public stuff."

Santana nods, pulling a piece of paper from Brittany's pocket and handing it over. "That's my number and Britt's number. Call me whenever you're ready to talk about Quinn."

I tuck the piece of paper safely away, and they go back to the group. I head into class, full of questions about Lucy.

I confer with Aria after class, and decide to skip the latter part of my day to call Santana. I take Aria with me, since I'm a bit nervous about meeting one of Lucy's friends.

When we arrive at an agreed-upon neutral location (a coffee shop, where Santana immediately orders something incredibly strong), Santana glances at Aria. "I hope this isn't, like, your lover or something. Because if she is, we're ending this conversation here and I'm going back to my girlfriend in our hotel room."

"Oh, no." Aria shakes her head quickly. "No, I'm just her friend."

Santana nods slowly. "Okay, then. Let's talk about Quinn."

Immediately, not wanting to waste the opportunity, I ask, "What was she like?"

Santana has to think about it for a second. "Quinn's complicated, always has been, and I've known her for a while."

"Well, I already knew that."

Santana gives me an irritated look. "I'm trying to talk, here. Would you like it if I interrupted you while you were trying to explain to me why your friend looks like she walked into a Dali painting for her outfit?"

Aria blinks and looks down at her clothes, confused.

"You look nice," I say quietly to Aria, before telling Santana to continue.

The Latina glares at both of us for a second, then takes a sip of her coffee and coughs quietly. "Well. I always knew she was gay since the first time Britt and I made out in front of her. She looked at us like she wanted to join in. The tricky part was making her admit it to herself." Her eyes settle on mine as she says that, and she gives a little half-smile. I can feel myself blush angrily, but don't say anything. "See, her dad was the ultimate asshole. Kicked her out when she got pregnant. Probably would've smacked her or worse if she came out to him."

Well, that sounds somewhat familiar.

"After he got kicked out by Judy, Quinn's mom, things were better. Quinn came out. Started moping over Rachel, the hobbit queen. Rachel, of course, had gone absolutely boy-crazy over Finn, the idiot king. They were going to get married and stupid Quinn went about stopping that all wrong, according to Rachel. Things happened, she left, now she's here. There's her biography. Anything else?"

I think for a minute, then ask, "What was the singing about?" Because that was… weird.

Santana groans. "It's just how they do things in glee club. Something happens, you sing about it. Personally, I said I wouldn't participate. I mean, Quinn's not the type for grand gestures. Which is why she and Berry were doomed before they started, because the damn girl lives for them."

Brittany bounces in, onto Santana's lap. "S, I thought I told you not to go places without me. You'll get mugged and then you'll be ugly and I won't be able to tell the difference between you and Lord Tubbington."

Santana just chuckles quietly. "Babe, I don't think you'd ever confuse me with your cat." She kisses the blonde quickly. "And if you did, I'm the one who keeps kissing you."

These two might be the most adorable lesbian couple I've ever met.

Brittany looks at Aria and a look of confusion crosses her face. "Why does she look like she let Rachel dress her while drunk and blindfolded?"

Santana snorts. "I don't know, Britt. But let's leave that one alone for now. We're here about the other one."

"Oh." Brittany smiles at me. "The one who wants Quinn's sweet lady kisses. You should give her a Fluttershy necklace. She loves Fluttershy."

"Hanna already did that," Aria says.

"Oh." Brittany shrugs. "That's all I've got." She sips Santana's coffee. "Oh. Why didn't you order me something, San?"

Santana rolls her eyes. "I didn't know you were coming. I thought you were staying at the hotel. Just wait here and I'll get you your coffee, beautiful." She kisses Brittany's temple as she gets up and heads for the counter.

As soon as Santana's out of hearing distance, Brittany twists to face us. "People think I'm dumb, but I'm not. San knows that, which is why I love her. Quinn gets really sad sometimes, and she doesn't tell anyone. But I knew, and I tried to make her happy, which is why she ran away. S doesn't like it when I have sex with other people, even if it's just to try to make our best friend happy." She shrugs. "It didn't even work, so it kind of sucked. But the point is, Quinn is sad, and someone has to help her be happy."

When Santana comes back, Brittany smiles brilliantly at her, accepting the coffee wordlessly. They cuddle and we talk some more about little things, what Lucy likes and hates. Santana calls it my seduction training.

But I'm thinking about what Brittany said the entire time, and on the way home with Aria.

When we're in her bedroom, her flopped on her bed and me standing in front of her closet, considering the clothes inside and determining what's sexiest (and finding myself agreeing slightly with Santana about Aria's outfits being slightly surrealist), Aria says, "What do you think Brittany meant, Lucy gets sad?"

"Probably exactly that." I shrug. "She seems like a very straightforward girl."

"Do you think she's depressed?"

I sigh. "I don't know, Aria. She doesn't seem like it. But depressed people don't always act depressed. Why have all your clothes walked out of an insane asylum?"

"I thought you liked my clothes." Aria's hurt tone makes me spin around to face her.

With a sigh, I sit next to her. "I do like them. I'm just really, really annoyed right now. For a variety of reasons, one blonde and one brunette."

Aria frowns. "Don't hate Hanna just because she's with Lucy and you're not, Spence."

"I don't hate Hanna," I whine. "I just firmly disapprove of her spending time with Lucy."

"You're the one that pushed Lucy away," Aria reminds me. "After wanting to sleep with her. Which, really, that's sort of confusing."

I roll my eyes at her. "Well… shut up." I sigh. "I'm going to get home before it gets dark. See you tomorrow, Aria."

"Spence, wait, I'm sorry—"

I laugh. "It's nothing you said, Aria. Just want to go home."

She nods, and I give her an impulsive hug before I leave. When I get home, Melissa is sitting on the sofa, looking contemplatively at nothing. I sit next to her with a soft grunt. "Hey, Melissa."

"Hey, Spencer." She smiles faintly at me. "I know we don't really say it, but… you know I love you, right? Like, no matter what happens or how many of my boyfriends you kiss." The smile is teasing, and I can't help but smile faintly, even as I blush.

"Yeah." I hug her quickly, then ask, "Why?"

"Hm?" Melissa bites her lip. "Oh. Nothing. Mom and dad are out… doing something, I'm not sure what, but I think they're getting a hotel room tonight. I think I'm going to call up some old friends, have a good time in the city." She gets up. "I'm going to be staying in Rosewood for a while. See you tomorrow, little sister. Have a good night."

I'm more than slightly confused as Melissa exits quickly, but shrug it off and head upstairs, already unbuttoning my shirt to take it off and relax without the tyranny of clothes, but then I enter my room and find a familiar blonde curled up on my bed, sleeping.

I redo a few of my buttons and shake Lucy awake gently. She yawns, managing to look and sound like a kitten, and smiles sleepily up at me. "Hi. Hanna got mad when I wouldn't tie her up, so I decided to come here. You weren't here, but your sister was. We talked a little. I told her I'm a new friend of yours. I think she thinks I'm your secret lover. Which is ridiculous. I have standards, you know."

Oh, God. That's what Melissa meant when she said 'have a good night'. It wasn't just to be polite. I have an urge to call her and explain, but my phone is all the way in my back pocket and Lucy is stretching herself out slowly, giving me a lazy, adorable smile.

And I also know way more than I need to about what Hanna is into.

"Come here," Lucy mumbles, and I slide into bed with her, feeling her snuggle up to me. This is torture. Everything in me screams to grab her and hold her down and kiss her until we die of asphyxiation. "You know," she says after a long while, "I haven't sang since I left Lima. It was one of the three things that made me feel alive. There was singing, writing, and…" She pauses, letting a playful smile cross her face. "And imagining."

"Imagining what?" I have to ask.

"Imagining… hands." Lucy twists a bit, very slowly. "Hands in places nobody's ever touched. And… lips pressing against lips while the hands explore gently. And then the sweet release of love. As I masturbate." She giggles as I'm shocked into silence, blushing.

But I go back to the first thing. I force myself to. "You haven't sang? Why not?"

She shrugs a bit. "I don't know. Just haven't felt the need to, maybe? Whenever I sing, all I see is Rachel… denying me and thinking my feelings for her are just a prank, and… then I don't want to."

I take her hand. "Sing to me?"

Lucy bites her lip. "There's no music."

"Just sing. I can make the music in my head."

The blonde nods slowly. "Yeah. Okay."

We lay together in silence for a long while. Then Quinn finally sits up slowly, and clears her throat before beginning to sing.

"_I feel like if I'm too kind then you will only change your mind, / Take advantage of my heart and I'll go back into the dark. / Love will never be forever, feelings are just like the weather. / January to December, do you want to be a member? / Lonely hearts club / Do you want to be with somebody like me?_"

Her voice falters when she sees me looking at her. "Your voice is beautiful," I tell her, honestly.

She just blushes and looks away. "Yeah. Thank you."

"I do want to be with you," I tell her.

"Where?"

It confuses me. "What do you mean, where?"

"Where do you want to be with me? In the bedroom? In the school? In your living room, in front of your parents? And when? Now, tomorrow morning, twenty years from now with two kids?"

I hold her gaze, feeling braver than I ever have before. And then, to answer her, I grab her gently and kiss her sweetly, feel her arms slide around my neck and then she's kissing me back, and it just makes me even more confident.

I lay down again and pull her down on top of me, letting her control things. It's going well, until Lucy pulls away to look at me, hands propping her up on either side of my chest.

Then she sets her head down on my breasts. "You know, I didn't want to come here tonight. I wanted to go to Rachel. I'm not proud of it, but I wanted to beg her forgiveness. Feel her lips on mine like we were just doing. I wanted to feel her hands doing things I fantasized about for years. Then Santana sent me a picture of Rachel's Quinn-clone and I came here instead."

I run a hand through her hair. "Why don't you call yourself Quinn anymore?"

"Lucy's the name my mother gave me. Quinn… that wasn't a person. Quinn was a defense mechanism. Quinn was me trying to force myself into an image of perfection I couldn't keep up. Quinn was a mess who got pregnant and wrecked her relationship with her best friends just because she wanted to feel something." Her voice is strange, somewhere between almost crying and steely resolve.

I kiss her once, quickly, then murmur, "Well, Lucy is pure good. And you aren't Quinn anymore."

"I'm not going to leave Hanna."

"Then why are you kissing me?"

She sighs and sets her head on my breasts again. "Because you're here, and warm, and I just… want someone to hold me."

I hold her, and she holds me. And I fall asleep.


	6. Beth, Hanna, Spencer, Rachel

**A/N: So this took all of the forevers. Sorry. Hope I make up for it with content! I've been writing something else (non fanfiction) that's really grabbed me by the brain and then I started mushing my face against its metaphorical face and if the story were anthropomorphic it would be Delirium from _Sandman_ and the things we would do would be unmentionable in polite company.**

* * *

_**~* Lucy *~**_

When I wake up, I'm in Spencer's arms. I don't move for a while, and then she wakes up and groans, "What time is it?"

"I don't know."

She sighs and looks at her clock, then jumps out of bed. "Oh! You, uh, you should leave."

I pout. "Why?" _If you say because my parents are coming home…_

"Because I don't know where my sister is and she thinks we're having sex."

I sigh and nod, stretching myself out slowly. "Before I go… think you could give me a quick massage? Through my clothes. Don't you dare try going under." My muscles are sore, and I'd prefer to go about my day without that affliction.

Spencer just nods, and I roll onto my stomach. "Gently, please," I say quietly, before letting her loose on my body.

Spencer's hands are amazingly skillful, which I did not expect. When I tell her this, she just laughs. "I used to have a friend whose sister did… well, let's just say she did this with a lot less clothes. She taught me a few things, with clothes on."

I want to say something witty in reply but all I can do is moan quietly at her touch. She's good. Too good.

She works on my upper back and shoulders first, then she does my neck a bit, and then lower. Eventually, I tell her to get off of me. I'm sleepy again, don't want to get up, but I force myself to, kissing her on the forehead as I say goodbye.

Downstairs, that girl, Melissa, is waiting for me. She looks casual, but I know that trick. Judy has done it more time than I can count. "Hello," I say cautiously.

"Hello," she replies cheerfully. "Coffee?" I shake my head. "I heard you earlier. You might want to keep it down next time."

I'm confused for just a second—and then I remember a few of the almost obscene moans I let out while Spencer was massaging me and cough. "Oh. Yeah. Uh, it was just a massage. My body aches in the mornings, and Spencer was there so I asked, and then…"

Melissa laughs. "It's okay. I know you're into my sister. I'm cool with it."

I blink owlishly. I know I look like a deer in the headlights (and I'm getting my metaphors mixed up now, but I'm too alarmed to care) as I say, "Oh, you think we're… I mean, Spencer's nice, but I'm dating Hanna!"

Melissa frowns. "Then why did you spend the night here, making out with my sister, which she texted me about ecstatically at midnight?"

I blush, both at the idea that Spencer texted her _sister_ to tell her we just made out (which is weird), and the fact that Melissa knows I spent the night making out with her sister. "Hanna and I had a fight. And… I didn't really have anywhere else to go. Well, I did have places, but… at home, I'd have an empty bed, or I could've hung out with my crazy ex-girlfriend, or maybe I could have tried to reconcile with my best friends, one of whom I slept with. Or I could've spent the night with a girl who likes me, despite whatever she tells herself, holding her, kissing her…"

This makes Melissa smile. "So you like my sister?" I nod. "Then why are you with Hanna?"

I bite my lip. "Spencer's… hard. I want simple. Easy. Loving and happy. I already had more than my fair share of hard."

Melissa reaches over and grabs my hands. "Hey. Sometimes hard is good. Me and Spencer haven't always had the best relationship, but I'm trying to reconnect. And it's not going to be easy, but it'll be good. Because my sister's a good person, Lucy. She really is. And worth it."

I laugh, and it sounds as nervous as I feel. "Are you trying to convince me to date your sister?"

"Yes."

I bite my lip. "Okay. Well… I'll think about it. I have to go." I'm out of there. I head straight home, sit down at my desk, roll the pen Hanna gave me in my fingers to remind myself why I love her. It's a really nice pen, and very pretty. Like Hanna.

"Lucy?"

I twist, wincing, to face my mother. "Yeah?"

"Noah's here." She rubs her arm. When I'm about to tell her to make him go away, I don't want to see any of them, she adds, "He brought Beth."

I stop and think about it a second. I've been doing fine. I don't know if seeing Beth will reset all that—but my body's already saying, "I want to see her."

Puck steps in looking almost sheepish. "I only came with because I thought you'd like to see her. Shelby agreed to let me watch her for a while. She texts me almost constantly to ask about her." In his arms is the little girl I birthed. The shining example of perfection that came from imperfect, broken me.

I take her from his arms, cradling her gently. She's asleep. "The car ride," Puck explains. "She falls asleep during car rides. Doesn't wake up, even if you hit a bump."

She's coming awake now, though, and looking up at me with wide, trusting eyes. I give her my fingers, and she grabs it in her surprisingly strong grip. "Wow," I breathe. "She's just…"

"I know," Puck says, and we sit on my bed together. "She's a little angel. I've been hanging out with Shelby more…" He falters at my glare, and sighs. "Not like you're thinking, Quinn."

"Lucy," I correct quietly.

Puck nods. "Okay. Lucy. Are you doing cheerleading again? Or is that bad luck?"

"It wasn't all bad," I say quietly, leaning down to kiss Beth on her perfect forehead. "Beth came into the world because of that decision. But no, I'm not. I'm not as flexible as I used to be."

"Does it still hurt?"

"When I turn too fast. Sometimes, when it's cold, I ache. Mostly, now, it's just the memory of it that hurts."

I expect him to tell me he doesn't know what I'm talking about, but he nods. "Yeah. I get that. It happens. Something stops hurting, but it still hurts for a long time."

I set Beth down on my bed so I can hug him hard. It lasts for a while and then I hear, "Um, Lucy?"

Puck and I separate and I smile at Hanna. "Honey, come in and meet Puck. He was at the… performance earlier. And I told you about him."

"Yes, you did," Hanna says, coming in a bit further, and then she spots Beth. "Is that a baby?"

"Yes." I pick up Beth and walk over to Hanna. "My baby. Beth. I gave her up because I was in high school. Something I've never regretted."

"Except that once," Puck reminds me. I glare at him and he shuts up.

Hanna smiles awkwardly at Beth. "You didn't tell me you had a baby."

I cough quietly. "Yeah. I'm sorry. I… don't like to think about it. It's generally not a happy part of my brain, and I barely ever see Beth. Never, these days."

"Hey." Puck squeezes my shoulder. "I'll drive out here every day if you ask, Q—Lucy." He smiles apologetically. "You're her mom as much as Shelby is."

I shake my head. "No, I'm not, Puck. I'm just the woman who had her and gave her up. But it's sweet of you to offer."

Hanna glances at Puck then. "And this is… Beth's dad?"

"Noah Puckerman." He offers a hand, which Hanna shakes. "Don't need to be jealous of me. It was just the one time, and seeing her pregnant is kind of a permanent turn-off." I glare at him, and he shrugs. "What? It's the truth."

"Tell that to your wife, whenever you manage to find a girl who'll marry you," I tell him with a laugh. Then I smile brightly at Hanna. "Do you want to hold her?"

After a moment, Hanna nods, and she smiles as soon as Beth is in her arms. "She's adorable," Hanna murmurs. "Like you."

I smile faintly, then accept Beth again. "Puck, how long is everyone staying?"

He shrugs. "I don't know. This morning Rachel said she's not leaving until she talks to you again. Tina and Mike are taking her shopping. I told them to make it last as long as possible." He looks at me, rocking Beth, and asks abruptly, "Did you mean what you said? About not wanting to see any of us ever again?"

I kiss Hanna and murmur, "Can me and Puck have a moment to talk, babe? I'm about to send him out so we can spend some quality time together, I just…"

"I understand." Hanna kisses Beth's forehead as the little girl stares up at her, then leaves.

I wait a moment, then turn to Puck. "It was mostly Rachel I never wanted to see again. The rest of you were just harbingers of her in my mind. Which I was sort of right about, you know."

"Yeah, you were, I guess." Puck sighs. "I think she really wants you to forgive her, Luce."

"I won't."

"I know." Puck sighs. "Think you'll want to see Beth again? I could even ask Shelby if you could babysit for a weekend."

I bite my lip, the denial on the tip of my tongue… and then I nod and murmur, "That would be nice."

Puck nods, taking Beth from me, and then asks hesitantly, "I wouldn't be asking if it wasn't Rachel, the only other hot Jew in Lima… but, will you talk to her tomorrow? She scoped out a coffee place and everything."

Again, the 'no' is right there, buy my body betrays me and nods. I can't help but remember the way I used to feel about Rachel. That all-consuming love.

"I'm bringing someone," I add. "Not Hanna. I'm not as cruel as she is. She can bring someone, too."

Puck just nods. "I'll tell her." After I give Beth one more kiss on the top of her delicate head, they leave.

Hanna comes back in. "So… what was that about?"

"He wanted me to see my baby." I sit on my bed, pulling my legs as close to my body as I can manage. "I did. I let him in."

"Earlier? When you were talking about aches and stuff?"

"That," I mutter, "was a private conversation, Hanna."

"I didn't mean to overhear it. I just did."

I just snort at that.

Hanna frowns. "Look, are you going to answer the question or not?"

"It's none of your business, Hanna. If I wanted you to know, I'd have told you."

She huffs. "Look, Lucy, you're great. But you need to talk to me."

"And I'm willing to. But not about that. Not yet."

My girlfriend gets up, obviously intending to storm out, and I drag her back to me and kiss her. "I am," I murmur against her soft lips, "going to tell you eventually. I'm going to tell you before anyone else. But not yet. There are things I can't talk about with anyone, Hanna. Things I can barely think about. Beth… she's hard to talk about. And that's relatively light, compared to other things I've been through."

Hanna pouts, but relents and wraps her arms around me. "Okay. Hey, where did you go last night? After we… I mean, it was a pretty big fight."

I think about lying for a second, then remember that that would make me a bad person. "To Spencer's. We, um, kinda kissed a little. I was slightly drunk." Old habits die hard. I didn't want to tell Spencer.

Hanna takes a deep breath, then kisses my forehead. "Okay. I'm going to forgive you this once, because I know you liked Spencer a lot, and the fight wasn't exactly pleasant. But don't you ever do it again." I nod, and then she smiles slightly. "Now… do you have any more poetry about me?"

I tell her that, instead of poetry, I wrote an erotic story about us. I tell her to lay down on my bed and settle in to read it to her.

* * *

Spencer coughs quietly, fidgeting as I examine my closet for the final pieces of my outfit. "I'm, uh, not exactly comfortable with this. Couldn't you take your girlfriend to visit your ex?"

"No." I pull out a nice sweatshirt, sleeves more than long enough, and a worn pair of jeans. "I'm not that cruel, Spencer. Even to Rachel. And it'll be hard enough… I don't want Hanna there." I spin to face Spencer. "I'm going to change. And you shouldn't leave the room, because this is probably going to come up at some point."

It definitely is, and I'm reminded of that with each article of clothing I remove. The long-sleeved shirt I wore to bed disappears last and when it's off, I hear Spencer gasp.

I can see it in my mind: The crisscross of scars, of surgery and where glass and steel penetrated my body. A few I made myself, when I was feeling much too low for my own good. The only thing I really approve of is my muscle. I've exercised as much as I can, habitually and out of a desire to remain strong.

When I turn to face her, she pales. I know the worst of it is on my front: A few deep gashes, which have turned into thick scars, and many smaller marks. "It was a car crash," I say quietly. "I… I wasn't well. I saw it coming, and I…" I take a breath. "I was paralyzed. For a while. Waist down."

"Stop, please," Spencer whispers hoarsely, but it's all slipping out.

"I was going to try one last time. To stop Rachel's wedding… maybe get her to marry me. On the way, she sent me a text. Asked me where I was. Said they were about to do it but she wanted her maid of honor. I saw the truck and I drove into it. The other driver is fine. I sent him a letter, after the crash, offering to help him with anything he needed." I chuckle hollowly. "Turns out, it helped him realize that he needed to spend more time with his wife and daughter before they didn't have any time left. He checked on me a few times, in physical therapy."

"Lucy. Please."

"It was after that that I asked to move. Every ache was a reminder of Rachel and— and what she did. I didn't leave the house except for PT and to see Santana and Brittany, until… Britt was too nice to me. I couldn't help it, and she was… too nice."

"Please stop," she whispers again, and I halt the gush of words. "Lucy…"

I cut her short with a sharp kiss, and she kisses back, and then I'm on the bed. Fuck Rachel, fuck coffee.

Fuck Hanna, fuck everything.

I showed Spencer the darkest side of me and she still kissed me back.

When I come back to consciousness, bits of me still tingling and beginning to get a little sore, I'm still naked, and my scars ache. Spencer is gone.

There's a note on the pillow.

_Sorry to run. Talk to you later. _

_-S_

Well.

Slowly, I shift to check the time. Only an hour. Funny; felt like longer. I pick myself up from where I came undone, gather the pieces to me, secure myself with clothes.

When I find the coffee place, Rachel is still there. Alone. When I greet her, she smiles faintly. "Quinn. I brought a guest, like you said I could, but she left half an hour ago. Tina, by the way. I brought Tina."

I nod, sitting down, even though my entire body is screaming at me to run. "I was, uh, gonna bring a friend. But something came up and she left. And it's, um, Lucy. Not Quinn."

"Oh." Her smile falters, but it's back again. "It's, um, really nice to see you again."

"Look, Rachel. I've got to get to my girlfriend's and do some groveling, and I didn't even really want to come here. But I did disappear suddenly after the crash, so…" I sigh and lean back. "Just tell me what you want."

"You." She bites her lip. "I… I was scared, Quinn. I didn't want to let you love me. But I'm ready now!"

I contemplate her for a second, then stand up. "Seriously, Rachel? What did you think was going to happen? You'd give a half-assed apology and then I'd just start humping your leg? No. I destroyed myself over you. I nearly killed myself because of you. _Twice_. So you can take your half-assed apology and toss it in the trash, Berry, and you can throw your own ass in afterwards. Because I'm done. Done with you and Lima. You can tell the others not to talk to me again, except Puck and Santana and Britt." I take a deep breath, and add, "And my name is _Lucy_."

And then I leave.

I didn't expect that to be so… cathartic.


	7. Repercussions

**A/N: Sorry this took so long! I sort of lost interest for a while, and then I sort of biotic charged my way through some writer's block on another thing I'm doing (twenty-five pages! on a previously stagnant project!) and only recently got back to this because I thought to myself, "Wanna know what would be cool? Finishing this." So I'm going back to my original plan of working primarily on this. There will be two more chapters, and I hope I do a satisfactory job wrapping everything up nicely. Also, I took the opportunity in this chapter to sort of further Paily a little, since I felt like I haven't been doing a good enough job with that couple. Anyways, please review, as I need your love to charge my literary batteries, and then read this story after you review, saying very nice things about me. :3**

* * *

_**~* Emily *~**_

"I-I messed up," Spencer whimpers as she bursts into my room. Paige sighs and shuts her book, setting it aside. I sit up, removing my head from its delightful position on her lap, and Spencer sits on the bed. "Lucy, she was, um, going to take me to… to talk to her ex, an-and she took her clothes off and there were…" She lets out a little, broken sob. "There were… and she said… and then we…" When I hug her, she hugs back so tightly it's hard to breathe. "What am I going to tell Hanna? I don't want to hurt her." She lets out another sob.

I don't think I've ever seen Spencer cry.

Paige rubs her back. "Hey. What exactly happened with Lucy that got you so upset?" I smile at my girlfriend. So kind. This is good.

Spencer sniffles, regaining control of herself, and whispers, "W-we had… sex."

That's what I thought.

Pushing Spencer away from me, just a bit, until I can look into her eyes, I say, "You need to talk to Hanna. If Lucy's a good person, she's already told Hanna. Just…" I pause, smelling something. "Spencer, have you been drinking?"

"Maybe." She seems like she's done crying for now, and she's pouting. "A little."

I sigh. "How much."

"Maybe… half a bottle. Or three-fourths. Not the entire thing though. Melissa got some. And it was a little bottle."

"You were drinking with Melissa?" Paige frowns. "Isn't she pregnant?"

Spencer just pouts. "Yeah. A little. I mean, she's not showing yet or anything. And it was a little bottle."

I can't let her go anywhere, I realized. It's late and she's drunk. Paige realizes this too, apparently, because she slides off my bed. "I'll see you tomorrow," she says, kissing me lightly. "I'll call you in the morning. In case you need some help."

My mother arrives home soon after Paige leaves, and I tell her about Spencer. I tucked her in and she's going to sleep in my bed, and I'm taking the guest room.

My mom just nods and doesn't ask for any explanations, and instead just sits down with me to have some ice cream and watch a movie. I exercise before I go to bed, and somehow wind up in bed with Spencer.

When I climb in, she mumbles something, then focuses on me. "Em. Why are you…"

"This is my bed, Spence. Just get to sleep so I can shout at you tomorrow."

"Okay," Spencer mumbles.

If this is how Spencer's coping, I don't want to know how Lucy's doing.

* * *

At school, both Hanna and Lucy are missing. I ask Aria, but she doesn't know, and Hanna won't answer my texts. I try to text Lucy but her answer is just random letters and the word 'kazoo' at the end of it.

Spencer's feeling a little bit better, after a stern talking-to and some coffee. My mom didn't ask questions in the morning, just like she didn't ask questions that night, but she did give me a look that said to expect some today.

I make it all the way to lunch before I decide to find Lucy, in case she's in some sort of trouble. I'm about to leave, when Lucy stumbles into the lunch room. Her eyes are half-lidded and glassy, and there's a lazy smile on her face. She finds her way to us and falls down, into Spencer's lap. "Hello," she coos. "I am… not in pain. For once in my life." For a moment, clear bitterness shows through, but then she becomes glass again. Delicate, reflective yet transparent.

She blinks at the rest of us, then turns to Spencer again. "I think I… Spencer, I think I took too many of my pain pills. I think…" She takes a slow breath and whimpers. "Take me home. Please. Yours. Quiet."

Spencer gets up and I follow, as does Aria; when Paige appears I tell her what happens and she follows. We take her to Spencer's house, where Melissa is sitting and reading. She starts to say something when we come in, then frowns when she sees Lucy. "What's wrong?"

"I think she's high," Spencer says, scowling. Lucy passed out on the drive over, and I'm currently holding her. I can tell Paige is a little jealous, and decide I'm going to carry her to my bed one of these days.

"She said she took too many of her pain pills," Aria adds.

"I did not," Lucy mumbles, suddenly awake. I set her down on the couch, and she pouts, still glass. Still high. "I'm just… directionally challenged. I don't know which way is l…" She trails off. "They weren't my pain pills. My sister had a boyfriend and he had… pills. She left them." Her head lolls and she giggles. "And then I put them in my throat and swallowed them down with a pint of acid. And now I'm made of barbed wire and ice cream."

Then she starts to cry.

Melissa gets up. "That's it. I'm calling the hospital. She obviously needs—" But she can't get any other words out, because as soon as Melissa said 'hospital', Lucy stiffened and her eyes widened, and then she started screaming.

"Hey, hey, hey." I watch the way Spencer strokes Lucy's hair, grabs her hand. "No hospitals. No hospitals, okay, Luce? None at all. We'll stay right here. You don't have to go back into the hospital." Spencer pulls Lucy close and the girl wraps herself around Spencer, still sniffling. "No hospitals," she repeats, glaring at Melissa.

If I wasn't so concerned for Lucy, I'd think it was adorable, how concerned Spencer is.

Aria sits close to Spencer, ready to offer aid, and Melissa goes to talk to a friend of hers about what they should do, after promising not to do anything to get Lucy put in a hospital.

We sit with Lucy and piece together what she's trying to convey in her stoned rambling: Hanna was extremely angry about Spencer and Lucy having sex (which Aria didn't know about) and they fought until Lucy ran home and fell asleep, then immediately raided a drug collection she had apparently saved from her sister's wild years.

And then she decided to go to school.

"No," she corrects hazily. "I wanted to see Sp…" She blinks, trailing off, as she does, but then her eyes focus (at least, a little) on Spencer. "You make me feel good. So…" I think she's trailing off again, but then she moans softly, one hand slowly moving along her body. "So… good…" she moans breathlessly.

Hanna appears with Lucy's mom. "I called her mother," Melissa said quietly. "This seemed like something she should be aware of. She called Hanna."

I watch my blonde friend as she goes to Lucy, who's trembling, watching Hanna with wide, scared eyes.

Then Hanna punches Lucy in the arm and hisses, "You stupid…" She falls to her knees, tears streaming down her face as she kisses her hard. "Why?" she whimpers. "Why would you… I love you, Lucy, don't do this to me."

Melissa ushers us all out of the room, to give them some time to talk. She speaks to Mrs. Fabray in quiet tones, as Spencer sits and looks miserable. Paige and I sit by her and I tell her, "Look, Spence…"

"It's okay." Spencer sighs quietly. "It's… fine, Em. Thanks for being a good friend. I'm going to go to my room now."

Spencer goes and Aria goes after her, after squeezing my arm and promising that she'll talk to Spencer. Paige and I hover for a moment longer, but then we decide together that everyone involved has a handle on the situation and we go back out to my car. When I've unlocked it, I feel Paige's hand on mine. "I had a thought," she says with a slow, devilish smile. "Spencer's been cockblocking us so much lately, we don't get nearly as much fun as we probably should."

I roll my eyes. "Paige, we have to get back to school."

Paige shrugs, leaning forward to plant a gentle kiss on my lips. "Okay, then. Back to school it is, and you have to wait for me instead of taking me… maybe on my back…" She presses a kiss to my neck, and I glare at her.

"You," I mutter, "are evil, Paige."

My girlfriend just chuckles against my lips. "Maybe," she mutters back. "Or maybe I'm an angel. I certainly am heavenly enough." I start to berate her for the line, but her mouth crushes against mine and I know I've lost this fight.

* * *

"You," I grumble against Paige's clavicle, "are a terrible influence, you know that, right?"

She grins lazily at me, running a hand through my hair. "Yes I am. Although some might say you're a terrible influence on me, with your swagger and your sexiness."

I punch her gently. "You've got more swagger and sexiness than I do, Paige!"

"Damn right I do," she growls against my lips before giving me a long, sweet kiss.

I smile and snuggle closer. I like this time, when we're snuggling and just talking couple talk. My mom won't be home for a few more hours, and it's either silence, our voices in soft conversation, or our voices in sexual ecstasy. Although the latter is mostly her voice.

I like to use my mouth for more practical things. Like causing her ecstasy.

Slowly, I kiss a line along her skin—from jaw to shoulder, across the clavicle as I shift over her to her other side, back up her neck, taking a moment to nuzzle and smell her, and then up to her lips. I feel her hand on my cheek, caressing gently.

"Hello," I murmur.

"Hello," she replies, smiling playfully. "Do you think Lucy's okay?"

I shrug. "I imagine her mom's going to take care of her. After all, that's what moms do. I'm more concerned about Spencer. She seemed like she was having difficulties with the entire situation." I yawn and snuggle closer, grabbing her hand and slipping my fingers through hers. "But Aria's taking care of her, and she has Melissa."

Paige nods slowly, massaging my hand with her thumb, and she props herself up on an elbow to look at me. "I just want to help them. I mean, Spencer hasn't been that good to me in the past… but that's understandable." She makes a face, and I just kiss her hard. All of the bad things between us were forgiven long ago. She just smiles fondly. "All of this, I remember what it was like. Being in denial. Being in love while being in denial."

"So maybe you should sit down with her and talk to her," I murmur with another kiss. "Might do her some good."

Paige nods slowly. "I mean, if you can get her to sit down and talk about it. You can't force it, we have to talk her into acceptance."

"You're the expert," I murmur with a yawn.

Paige shakes her head. "I'm just a girl that's had some troubles. No expert. When do you think we should talk to her?"

I let out a soft groan and kiss her slowly, then mumble, "Tomorrow?"

"Okay." Paige plays with my hair. "Have I told you how beautiful you are recently?"

"No." I smile happily at her.

"Well, you are." Another soft kiss. "So beautiful, it's amazing. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me." Another kiss, and her hand sliding along my side, making me shiver and smile.

Then the door opens and I hear my mom call out, "Emily, we already talked about you leaving school early."

Paige lets out a short, quiet squeal as I shove her out of bed and start to gather my clothes, watching her do the same. I keep an eye on her as much as possible as we both get dressed again, turning when she glances at me.

We both correct each other's hair, and then I grab her hand and lead her down to where my mother is waiting. "Oh, hello, Paige," she says, in an almost distracted fashion. Then my mom says directly to me: "We've spoken about the rules before, Emily. You aren't allowed to have her here unless I'm in the house, and you aren't supposed to leave school in the middle of the day!"

Paige steps forward. "It's my fault, Pam. One of our friends was… not well, and we took her home. I convinced Emily to take us here instead of back to school."

Mom purses her lips and murmurs, "Well, I expect better judgment from the two of you in the future. Emily, I got your homework from the classes you missed. It's on the table. Paige, if you want to stay, you're welcome to help Emily with her homework. At the table."

I pull Paige away from further apologies, pulling two chairs close together. "Hey. Let's just do our homework, okay? We were kind of breaking the rules and having sex."

My girlfriend bites her lip, then sighs. "Yeah. You have a point there. Fine, homework."

I add, "If you want to stay in my parents' good graces, we have to follow the rules."

"Yes, yes!" Paige sits down heavily. "Homework! See? Don't need to keep repeating it." But she smiles and kisses my cheek, even if I'm being a little annoying. "You have to admit that it was totally worth it, though."

I roll my eyes. "Yeah, it kind of was."

My phone buzzes, and I check the text. It's from Aria, an update on Spencer. "Spencer's still holed up in her room," I tell Paige, "but Lucy went home. Hanna went with her."

Paige nods. "Okay. Now, wanna do some homework?"

"No," I grumble, but get to work anyways.

We work together more or less silently for an hour, and then Paige says goodbye and heads home to have dinner. The meal in my house is quiet, with polite conversation, until my mom asks, "So why was Spencer here last night?"

I shrug. "Girl troubles. Sexuality troubles. She did something she shouldn't have and she was having difficulties dealing."

Mom softens immediately. "Oh. What was it?"

I shrug again, this time feeling a blush spread. "It was, uh, teenager… stuff, mom."

She looks confused, and then she smiles faintly. "Ah. I understand. Who was it she did… teenager stuff with?"

I can feel my blush spreading as I grumble, "Lucy, the new girl. Hanna's girlfriend. Now can we drop it?"

Mom nods, although she's still smiling. "Yes, we can. And I want you to remember that you can talk to me about anything, Emily." She leans over to kiss my forehead.

The rest of dinner is thankfully uneventful, and I head to my room at the first available opportunity and check my messages, since my phone has to be off during meals. Just one from Paige, a picture of her making a face in bed. I laugh at her being adorable and set my phone aside, then pick up a book and start reading.

I read until Hanna knocks on my door, standing in my doorway.


	8. The Climax

**A/N: So, this sort of took forever, sorry. But this story's almost finished! And then I'm probably never going to write Glee/PLL crossover fic again! Too many other ideas, some Glee stuff, a lot of Mass Effect stuff. But I am going to finish this, I swear, and relatively soon. This chapter might be a little weird about timelines, but whatever. Forgive me for that, please. And please review, because I love your reviews, and please enjoy the following story:**

* * *

_**~* Spencer *~**_

"Hey, Spencer."

I blink my way to wakefulness, feeling tiredness seeping into every part of me—and then I shock to fully awake, because there's someone on top of me.

"Spencer. You awake?"

I look up at Lucy, utterly confused. "What are you doing here at…" I check my alarm clock. Four a.m. Jesus, I'm not supposed to be awake yet. "It's, like, not even morning yet."

"I had to talk to you." She lowers herself onto me, her face pressing into my neck.

I wait patiently for her to start talking, but she doesn't until I prompt, "Lucy?"

"Huh?" She yawns. "Oh. I, uh, forgot to take my sleeping pills, so I haven't really shut my eyes…"

I roll us over and pin Lucy. "How long have you been awake, Lucy?"

She yawns and stretches, catlike. "Um. Two days, I think. Things get… fuzzier when I don't sleep. Harder to tell time and stuff. But I need to…" Lucy pauses to yawn again, her eyes fluttering closed. "Talk… after I just… nap…"

I shake her awake again. "Lucy, you can't just break into my house and wake me up so you can sleep. Come on, I'm going to take you home."

She shakes her head. "Please don't!" Although she's still quiet, her voice is insistent. "Judy—my mom, I mean, she's probably still awake and I don't want to deal with that." Lucy bites her bottom lip, managing to look adorable and sexy at the same time as her hair falls everywhere, including into her eyes. "Can I please just stay here for a few more hours? And I need to talk to you."

Against my better judgment, I settle next to her. "As long as you sleep. We can talk when it's actually light out."

"Okay," the blonde mumbles, snuggling close to me as her eyes close.

Somehow, though, I find myself unable to sleep. I watch her, the slow rise and fall of her chest, the adorable sweetness of her face as it scrunches up in some dream, the little shifts as she tries to get comfortable.

Slowly, I get out of bed and head downstairs and find Melissa on the couch. "Hey," she greets softly. "I couldn't sleep. I let Lucy in, hope you don't mind."

"It's fine." I sit next to her with a grunt. "She's up in my room right now. She went two days without sleeping." I curl up and put my head on her shoulder. "Melissa…"

"Yeah?"

"If I came out to mom and dad…"

She squeezes my shoulder and smiles warmly at me. "I'd be there for you. I'd support you. You're my baby sister, Spencer, even if we have been… at odds on occasion."

That makes me smile. "Look at us." I hug her. "I'm really glad you're my sister, Melissa. I'm sure anyone else would've killed me by now."

Melissa nudges me. "Don't tempt me, Spence." Then she pulls me closer and adds, "If things don't go well with mom and dad, you can come live with me. Or… something. We can figure something out."

Tears start welling in my eyes. I force them back and hug Melissa again to hide it.

"Hey, hey, hey." My big sister pushes me away and her finger brushes a tear away—and then they start falling in earnest, and she just hugs me. When I'm done crying she says, "I'm your big sister, Spence. Gay or straight, I'm your big sister, and I'm going to help you and protect you, even if you don't want me to. No matter what we've done in the past—to ourselves, to each other—it doesn't change the fact that we're family, and I love you." She presses a tissue to my face, gently dabbing away the tears. "No matter how much you cry on my favorite blouse."

A sound halfway between a laugh and sob finds its way out of my throat. "You're obnoxious."

"You're not supposed to be up for two more hours." She kisses my cheek. "So go back upstairs. You need your sleep."

"Thanks," I murmur, taking a moment to press my hand against her stomach, to feel her baby. "So, do you want your baby growing up with a lesbian aunt?"

"Spencer, if I could pick anyone on Earth to be this baby's aunt… it would be Ellen DeGeneres. But you're a close second."

I snort and smack her gently. "You're obnoxious."

"And you're sleepy." She pushes me a little. "Go, go! Lucy isn't going to cuddle herself."

Despite her insistence, I double back for one last long hug, because she's warm and the idea of sleeping next to Lucy is scary, and I mutter, "You get some sleep, too. I'd like to know this baby, and I'm sort of fond of the mother." And then I bound back up to my room, slide quietly back into bed.

Lucy doesn't wake, just makes little noises as she's forced to adjust again. One arm slides around me as her legs press against mine, and the next shift brings her torso closer as well, her adorable breasts pressing against me.

I force myself to calm down, breathe slowly, fall asleep.

* * *

When I wake up, it's the exact same way Lucy woke me earlier; her on top of me, shaking me slightly, whispering my name as her nose presses against mine. Well, that last part is new. I yawn and peck her, then push her off of me. "You said you wanted to talk?"

She nods. "I broke up with Hanna."

Every muscle seizes, and I have to take a second to calm down. "What?" I hiss, turning to face her. "Why did you break up with Hanna?"

Lucy rubs her chest absently—where, I knew, it had been crushed by the steering wheel. She ran me through each of her injuries, that once. I asked, so she did. Eventually she says, "We were falling apart. She thought we could make it work, but I recognize a point of no return pretty damn well. And when I send myself into a depression-fueled overdose, that's a point of no return. After that, it could only be downhill."

"So you just… give up?" I don't know why that's bothering me. I should be ecstatic.

"I didn't give up. I admitted defeat." Lucy wraps her arms around her legs. "And she agreed with me, too. That it wasn't working. I mean, you're goddamn hot, Spencer. You're hot, and you didn't flinch when I showed you the ugliest parts of me. No matter what I did with Hanna, I never showed her that. I just… trust you. Completely." Her hand covers my heart. "I would give myself to you, all of myself, if you asked."

I push her away gently. "Luce…"

She bites her lip. "Spencer. I like you, I really do. And I want to be with you—if you come out. If you let me help you." Lucy places her hand over my heart and murmurs, "Why won't you let me help you?"

I pause and take a moment to look deeply into her eyes. Then I say, "You shouldn't have given up on Hanna so soon."

The blonde's frown is confused. "Why are you saying that, Spencer?" She grabs my hands and kisses one. "I want to try now." She kisses the other hand. "Don't you want to try?"

"I do." I gently pull my hands free. "But I don't want to hurt Hanna."

Lucy pulls away. "She agreed to it, Spencer." She sounds displeased, almost angry. "Jesus, why won't you just…" And then she lets out a sound halfway between an angry huff and a groan, and her mouth is on mine.

Her kisses are needy and commanding, seeking something from me even as she pushes me down with her surprising strength, restraining me. I don't put up much of a fight; there's a surge of lust rushing blood everywhere, but especially where she touches, where I want her to touch. Her hands slowly move from my elbow, tracing my arms as her tongue traces mine, joining our fingers as she grinds against me. The whole experience is amazingly erotic, although much tamer than things I've already done. I can tell that she's beyond caring about me—this is for her, because she needs to feel that someone won't just give up when she does.

I kiss her back fiercely. I try to convey a message with each kiss: _I won't abandon you. I will love you. I will never stop kissing you. If you ask, I will take—_

I hear my parents waking up, and shove Lucy off of me, dressing quickly in actual clothes as the shower starts and I hear Melissa starting up a conversation with our mother far away, and I make sure that both Lucy and I are presentable, perfectly unruffled and totally not coming down from one of the hottest making-out sessions ever.

By the time I've steeled myself, Lucy is looking at me with a worried expression. I give her a small smile and mutter, "You were sort of an unscheduled guest, Lucy." I grab her hand, rub her wrist, then give her a quick kiss. "Please don't… do or say anything in front of my mom or dad, okay? They… don't know."

Lucy's hand pulls out of mine, but she gives me a warm smile. "I understand, Spencer. I was… in the same situation, once. If things don't end well, you can come stay with me for a while. In separate bedrooms." She cups my cheek, runs a thumb across my lips. "I'm not sure I could trust myself to not tear off all your clothes and ravish you."

"Don't tempt me," I groan. "If—when," I force myself to correctness, "I come out to my parents, if it goes badly, I'm probably going to stay with Emily for a few days and then go live with my sister in the city."

"Oh." Lucy hugs herself. "Well… if that happens, would you visit me?"

No, the rational part of my brain says. "Yes," the irrational part of my brain says. The part that, apparently, controls my mouth and most of my thoughts.

Lucy smiles brilliantly and throws her arms around me, squeezing hard. "Want me to go out the window, or can I meet your family?"

I sigh. "You can come down and meet them. Don't worry, they don't bite."

Lucy gets up and examines herself. "Is… should I change into something else? I need to brush my hair, it's probably a mess, it's always a mess when I get up—"

I run a hand through her hair. "It looks fine. You look fine. And we're going to talk with Hanna today."

Lucy bites her lip. "Should I…" She glances at the door. "Should I tell them? About me, I mean? That I'm…"

I squeeze her hand. "That's your choice, Luce."

She nods, looking very much like a small, worried girl, then straightens herself and says, "I'm going to tell them. I mean, I have no reason to hide."

Smiling, I grab her hand and take her downstairs. She has no reason to hide, and I don't either. Only my mom and Melissa are downstairs when we arrive; dad's already gone to work. "Hey, mom," I greet. "This is Lucy, one of my friends."

Lucy shook the offered hand. "I'm Hanna's ex-girlfriend. As of last night."

Mom glances at me. "Oh. I didn't know Hanna was…"

"Neither did we," I answer her unasked question. "Until Lucy."

She looks at me for another moment, then nods. "Well, it's nice to meet you, Lucy. Now, I have to get to work… Spencer, did Lucy stay the night?" She says it like it's only just occurred to her.

Lucy shifts her weight from one leg to the other. "Uh, yeah. There's some drama going on at home—just arguments about… stupid stuff, but I wanted to get away for a while, so I came here, since I broke up with Hanna and Spencer's my best friend here." She rubs her arm. "I'm sorry if that's, like, against your rules or something."

"No." Mom shakes her head slowly. "It's okay. I'll see you later, sweetie." She kisses my forehead, then heads into the other room to say goodbye to Melissa, and then she heads out the door.

Lucy sags against me. "Do you think she hates me? I don't want your mom to hate me."

"I don't think she hates you." I hug her. "Do you want to go talk to Hanna now or later?"

"Never?" she asks hopefully.

I shake my head. "Please, Lucy. For me. If you really want me, you'll do this for me. I don't want to just hook up with my best friend's ex-girlfriend. That's not cool, which is, like, straight from the lesbro code."

Lucy looks at me incredulously. "Lesbro code?"

I shrug. "Yeah. That's totally a thing. My point stands—we have to talk to Hanna."

"Fine." Lucy runs a hand through her hair and grumbles, "But only because you invoked the lesbro code."

I smile happily and hug her, then grab my phone and call Hanna.

My friend, when she arrives, does not look very happy. "Yeah. I'm here. What do you want to talk about Lucy for? Reclaiming her?"

I cough quietly. "I never claimed her in the first place—and I just wanted to talk to you, Hanna. And I felt Lucy should talk to you too. I don't feel comfortable with… she wants to rekindle what we were into an actual relationship, and I don't want to try that without talking to you first."

Lucy pokes her head around the corner. "You said, um, five minutes. But I couldn't wait that long." She glances anxiously at Hanna, who looks pissed. "Um, hi, Hanna."

"Hey," my friend says shortly.

I sigh. "I'm assuming things didn't end as amicably as Lucy led me to believe."

Hanna shrugs uncomfortably. "There was screaming. Tears. I told her to go away and never come back. She told me I was just like everyone else and she hoped I died alone and miserable."

"I was upset," Lucy mumbles. "I didn't mean that last part. I'm sorry, Hanna."

"I meant every word." Hanna looks at me. "She said she slept with you, and she'd gladly do it again just for the feelings it gave her." I glance at Lucy and then glare at her, and she just squirms. "I just… I could have handled it if she apologized. I could have forgiven her. I mean, I've seen you, Spencer. And I know you two were whatever before I made my move. It would have been fine if she hadn't said that."

I shift to include Lucy in our conversation about her. "Well? What do you have to say for yourself, Luce?"

The other blonde bites her lip. "I meant what I said, about the sleeping with you thing. You make me feel amazing, Spencer. Beautiful and so many things I haven't felt like in a long time. Hanna's… comfortable." She turns to her ex. "You're sweet and nice and you give me cute things, but…"

"That's not what you want?"

"No. Yes. Maybe. I don't know what I want." Lucy sighs. "I'm still looking, and I'm sorry I didn't find what I want in you, Hanna."

"That still doesn't excuse the things you've said."

Lucy pouts. "I apologized. And I wasn't myself." She looks at the ground. "Sometimes I skip my pain meds. Just to reassure myself that I'm not getting addicted."

I get up and hug her. "And no other reason?"

She bites her lip. "Sometimes I need… affirmation. That I'm alive. Things get so hazy sometimes, Spencer—I need things to be clear. Especially—yesterday was hard."

I nod slowly, understanding, even if I don't approve. I'll need to watch her, maybe talk to her mother.

I pull Lucy further into the room and look at Hanna. "So, do you care if I go out with her?"

Hanna glances between us slowly, then looks at me. "Did you know she was pregnant, once?" She sighs. "I don't care if you go out with her. I just want you to be careful. I don't want one of my best friends to get hurt."

With that, she gets up and leaves. I turn back to Lucy. "So. Pregnant?"

* * *

Some time after Lucy leaves (both of us having explored our lives), Melissa calls out, "Spencer?" I'm in her room in a second. "Could you run out and get some ice cream? I was thinking we could spend some relaxing sister time together. Curl up in front of the TV. Reminisce about the good old days when you were too small to be annoying and worshiped me like a goddess."

I roll my eyes. "I'll get you the ice cream, and then we'll see, Melissa." I listen to her calls of lifesaver as I leave the house and head to the store.

I've grabbed the ice cream (and some chips for me) when I hear, "Spencer?"

I spin. "Jenna. Hey."

She steps closer a little hesitantly, shifting those big sunglasses up on her head—the idea that she can now see me is a little unsettling. I've gotten used to Blind Jenna, who had to reach for my face before she brought it crashing onto hers.

"How's the new girl working out for you?" she asks with a slight smile.

I shrug. "We'll see. Things have gotten a little complicated."

"Good complicated or bad complicated?"

I sigh. "Look, Jenna—things ended between us. Why are you talking to me?"

The formerly blind girl bites her lip. "Well, maybe I don't want things to be ended between us. The boy was a terrible idea. Boys are terrible. And everyone knows we were… something, so, I mean, it wouldn't be that much of a stretch for us to…"

"I'll think about it," I promise gently. "But I have a whole lot of stuff I need to do before I really commit to anyone, okay? I need to come out to my parents. I need to get things arranged if things don't go smoothly."

"I get the idea." Jenna squeezes my arm. "But, I recently—my family knows, now. That I'm… you know." I don't like how vulnerable she is right now, so open. It makes me feel like a bitch for still having walls. "So, if you need help, or if you want… just, um, just call, okay?"

"Okay," I promise quietly.

She nods slowly, then darts forward and kisses my cheek. "Good luck, Spencer. With anything and everything." Then she hurries away, leaving me wondering what exactly happened.

But I ignore it for now, choosing instead to pay for my items and go home. Melissa is waiting for me, and snatches the ice cream immediately. "Thank you," she mutters, hugging me hard, then grabbing a spoon and heading for the couch. I follow, sitting next to her. "So, what took you so long? Did you find your girlfriend and were unable to help yourself?"

I roll my eyes. "Sort of. I stopped to chat with… an old friend of mine. Not a girlfriend… well, sort of a girlfriend but not really, I mean, we were—"

Melissa clamps a hand over my mouth. "Head movements, Spence. Was she a friend with benefits?" I shrug, then nod. "Okay. Is she hot?" I nod. "Good. Enough of that, then." She releases my mouth to hug me against her side. "You'll have to introduce me sometime. I wanna know all about my baby sister's life, including the people she has casual sex with. I mean, how am I supposed to threaten people's lives if I have no idea who they are?" She squeezes. "By the way, nobody's good enough for my little sister. And I'm going to be overprotective now, to make up for all that lost time."

I roll my eyes. "Really, Melissa?"

She nods. "Really."

That brings a sigh from me, but I'm still smiling. "Fine. But I get to disapprove, too."

"No, you don't." Melissa hugs me. "It's a big sister thing."

We sit together in silence, except for the TV, for a while, and then she asks, "We should talk about you coming out. When do you want to do it?"

I don't let myself think about it, because then I'll second-guess myself all the way into the closet. "Tonight. Do it tonight."

Melissa nods, squeezing my hand. "Do you want me there? Or Emily?"

"Just you." I hug her. "You're, like, the best big sister I could ever want, Melissa."

"Yeah," she murmurs, "I am." I roll my eyes and punch her arm (gently), and then I steal her ice cream so she steals my chips in retaliation, and it's all so good and sisterly it makes me want to cry.

Because after I come out, I know things are going to change, and I don't know how they're going to change—which is scary. But I still have my big sister, and I still have my best friends. So I'll find a way. I'll be me.

And once that's done, I have to start the much messier task of sorting out my feelings.


	9. The Falling

**WARNING WARNING WARNING THERE IS BAD THINGS AND ATTEMPTED SUICIDE AND SELF-LOATHING AT THE START OF THIS BUT THERE'S FLUFF AT THE END JUST REMEMBER I LOVE YOU XOXO AND HUGS AND FEEL OKAY OKAY END WARNING**

**A/N1: You may have noticed that some things happen "out of frame", so to speak, throughout this fic. This is to draw more attention to the littler things, which then become the big things. I think it's a particularly clever way of doing things.**

**A/N2: Okay, so, here's the end. I don't particularly like endings and I've never been good at them, because an ending implies an ending. The finishing of a story and the departure of characters, a saying of goodbye, which I've always been bad at, too. I really liked this story, and I hate saying goodbye to stories I like. I'm probably going to be doing more fics in this verse (always tagged "Chanceverse") although no more PLL/Glee crossovers. Sorry if that's why you hung around. So please read this and enjoy this, and please review.**

* * *

I shift to get settled, hating the cold bench beneath me. But Spencer's been pushing me away all week, ever since she came out to her family (apparently, her dad disapproved and her mother told him to shut the hell up) and Judy's been insufferable, always asking me how I feel.

So I'd rather recline on this bench that seems to be twenty degrees colder than the freshly spring air, letting it seep into my aches and scars, reigniting old pains. I toy with my pills, but don't take any yet. I look deeper into my pocket and find the lithium I took from my mom's drug cabinet. I didn't even know she needed lithium.

Absently, I pop one lithium pill into my mouth and swallow with the assistance of a bottle of water I bought a while ago.

Spencer pushing me away isn't as bad as the rumors, though. The rumors that she's been hooking up with someone else, although the rumors vary. And that's not as bad as losing my friends. Emily's pissed off at me for making Hanna so sad, and Aria and I never spoke that much, anyways. Paige still talks to me sometimes, but never where her girlfriend could see or hear us. Her dirty little secret.

Two pain pills.

I wonder what they'll do with the other pill I took. I decide I don't care.

I put my headphones in, start listening to Metric. _I'll shut up and carry on, scream becomes a yawn._ Except I'm done shutting up and carrying on. All I've ever done is shut up and carry on, force myself to forge ahead despite everything I want to shout at the world.

Another pill.

Another song. When did the song change? Must have been a while ago as "Synthetica" drifts through my ears. It almost makes me laugh. Almost.

I used to be strong, or at least so close a semblance that it was indistinguishable (or nearly so), and I can't help but wonder where it went. The answer is obvious, suddenly: Quinn. I left my strength with Quinn. I try to call her but she's all the way in Ohio and another two pills.

I'm not sure when I pass out.

* * *

"Quinn. Quinn, wake up."

I attempt to swat the hands away, but my arms feel like lead or steel or something so heavy I can't pick them up. Those hands are like bees buzzing around my head and I don't know what's happening, but everything's pleasantly numb and my last thought before the black comes back to me:

_I wonder how many of these I have to take before the pain goes away completely._

"Quinn. Please, please, I'm sorry, Quinn."

"Quinn. Just wake up. Open your eyes. Please."

"Quinn."

I'm not Quinn, I try to say to that broken voice. I'm Lucy. I left Quinn behind and when I vacate this body, she's welcome to have it back. I've been walking too much and I'm far too tired, and all I want is to sleep.

I let myself slip back into darkness.

* * *

When I'm pulled up again, there are fingers in my throat and I gag and then I feel myself emptying. I want to say, there's no reason for that. It's too late. The chemicals are in my blood and brain and they're sinking into me.

And vomiting is unpleasant, even if I'm still numb.

"I won't let you die," that voice says. "I won't let you go again, Quinn."

"Quinn. Come on, stay with me."

"Quinn. Just hold on. The ambulance is coming."

The word _ambulance_ triggers something deep in me, triggers _hospital_, triggers panic. But I'm still too numb, too close to the darkness. I can't do anything except lie there in arms I barely feel with a voice I can't exactly place but I know I've heard, waiting for a doom I'm certain is coming.

* * *

The next time I wake up, I feel mostly inside my body, and the smell hits me first—that sterile smell that I became too familiar with—and then that hits the panic button, and I'm tied down and it's all just—

"Shh," a gentle voice coos in my ear. "It's okay."

With soft words and gentle touches she guides me down to calm again. When I turn to thank her, she's Rachel. The thanks stick in my throat and she mutters, "Judy said that you went to the park when you were upset. I wanted to try and talk to you again. When I got there…" She grabs my hand and squeezes, nearly crushing the bones. "Don't you dare do that ever again, Quinn Fabray."

"I'm Lucy."

"Not to me."

We glare at each other, a battle of wills, and she's the first to break. "Why did you do it?"

"Why not?" is my response. And, why not do it? I have a father who hates me, a mother who doesn't understand me (at best) and whose religion hates me, a string of heartbreak and betrayal, a series of failures—I haven't even been able to kill myself properly. Although I thought I had it this time.

Rachel bites her lip, hard, and for a second I think she'll snap and scream at me, storm out. But then she just whispers in a tired, broken voice that makes my heart ache, "Because I love you."

I shake my head. "No, you don't. You love Quinn. And—"

"You're right." She rubs my hand. "I love Quinn. And you're still Quinn, even if you say you're not. Because she was you. No matter what you call yourself, you're still you. And I love _you_, not a name. So, I love Quinn. I love Lucy. I'll love any other name you call yourself, because I love _you_. No matter what you do or say to me. And I admit, the last time I visited, I may have had a slightly unrealistic view of how things would happen. But, since that time, I've done a lot of thinking and appraised my life. Did you know that my first girlfriend was almost an exact clone of you?" Rachel shudders. "That was an awkward realization."

I chuckle softly despite myself, and Rachel smiles brilliantly. I ask, "So your offer's still open? To fall into your arms and be happy forever?"

"If you want."

I shake my head. "I can't be happy, Rachel. And the fact that you think it is just shows—"

"What?" Rachel crosses her arms over her chest. "Shows what? That I'm optimistic? That I think I can make you happy? That I believe in a future that you're in?"

My only response is to glare and retreat into myself. I was going to say, _That you don't know me_. Instead I ask, "Why'd you bring me to a hospital? I hate hospitals."

Rachel looks pissed off now. "Because you tried to kill yourself, Quinn. What was I supposed to do, just leave you there?" I'm about to nod, but think better of it. That'd just make her more angry and she'd probably call—

"My mom," I realize. "Where is she?"

"Getting some coffee and fresh air." Rachel leans back in her chair. "You've been out for a while, Quinn. Almost an entire day. The doctors said you're lucky I found you so soon and made you puke out those pills. Otherwise, you probably wouldn't have made it. And your mom was having a rough time without her meds. By the way, I never knew she was bipolar."

"Neither did I," I mutter. I'm barely paying attention now; I'm too busy imagining my next try. Cutting, probably. Knives and I used to be familiar, until we drifted apart. I think it's about time for a reunion.

"Quinn." Rachel's sharp tone brings me back. "The doctors are being careful with what they put into your body now. Anything you take is going to be strictly monitored. And Judy's angry and confused and—you know what, _I'm_ angry and confused. Why, Quinn? Why would you do that?"

"Please call me Lucy."

Rachel makes a small, frustrated noise that pleases me for some reason. "Fine. Lucy. I ask once more: Why? And please give an actual answer this time."

"Was it because of me?" This new voice and development belongs to Spencer, and I shake my head.

"It was—" I sigh and want to yawn and sleep and cry and scream all at the same time— "It was a life of betrayals and broken hearts and self-denial and so, so many scars. I'm just… tired. I was tired." I glance up and down Spencer, who looks tired but happy. "I heard you have a new girlfriend."

She blushes. "Yeah. Jenna."

I nod. "Well, I wish you two long and happy lives." I lean back. "I hope she makes you happier than I did, Spencer."

Spencer nods and asks, "Is it okay if I tell Judy you're awake, Luce?"

I let myself smile at the nickname and nod. My mother probably has a lot to say to me.

* * *

It's not long after I'm released that Santana comes and slaps me across the face. "Stupid bitch," she grumbles, but I see the tears in her eyes and hug her hard, feeling her arms slide around me in return.

For some reason, I'm still numb. The drugs wore off long ago and now I'm on something significantly weaker. It doesn't work that well and my body's on fire most of the time, but I don't say anything. It's my penance, for not doing things correctly. But I still feel numb. It's very strange. But nice.

We sit and talk about Britt, about Ohio, about glee, about Sue. Everything except what happened. She knows me well; I don't want to talk about my failure, or my feelings. I have to see a lady every few days to talk about my feelings, and the first appointment was yesterday. Staring contests are boring.

At least she's kinda hot, for an older woman.

The next day Santana brings Brittany in and we go for coffee (after Santana promises not to take her eyes off me) and sit and talk and the numbness begins to lift, watching them smile and feed each other candy that Britt carries around in a bag. But then I see Emily and the numbness slips around me again, protective armor. Emotional kevlar. Santana tracks my eyes and asks, "Want me to fuck that bitch up?"

Her protectiveness brings an instinctive smile. "No. It's okay, San. Emily won't hurt me."

But they still form a protective phalanx next to me, a girl on either side, as Emily sits down. "Your mom said you came here. I wanted to apologize, Lucy. Hanna came to me, the night you two broke up, and… I guess I just forgot that you got hurt in that, too. If I'd known that things were that bad with you, I probably would've taken your side."

I hug myself. "It's okay, Emily. It really is. And Paige was still nice to me. Sometimes things get to be too much. And when things get to be too much, I do stupid things, like try to overdose or drive into a truck."

"Wait, Q." I don't bother to correct Santana as I turn to her. "I thought that was an accident."

I shrug. "Well, it was for him." Things are now more numb, if that's possible. Extra layers of protection in case Santana blows. No longer kevlar; now one of those explosion-proof suits.

Santana shakes her head. "Shit, Q. Why didn't you tell us?"

I shrug again.

Emily suddenly takes my hands. "Listen. If you ever need anything, anything at all, just ask me, okay? Or Paige, or Aria, or Hanna, or Spencer. Maybe not Spencer, actually. But we're all here for you, Luce."

Warmth begins to penetrate the numbness, and I desperately fight it back.

* * *

Two weeks of forced medications (weakened pain meds, antidepressants, whatever else they feel like forcing down my throat) and overbearing parents (Judy doesn't even allow me to write anymore) and over-attentive friends (I don't get a moment of peace at school) eventually break me down to one sentence in therapy:

"I don't know why they all try so hard."

My doctor-lady, Doctor Lubov, leans forward. "And why do you think that, Lucy?"

The floodgates are trying to open; I clamp them shut again. She sighs and says, "I know it's been a while since you trusted anyone with your emotions, Lucy. But you can trust me. You know the deal: Unless I feel it's something that absolutely needs to be shared, you control the flow of information to anyone outside this room. This is a safe place and you don't have to be scared to speak your piece."

I bite my lip, hard, harder, trying to break the skin and return to a semblance of normalcy. This woman is too kind to be real. I'm hallucinating. Any moment I'm going to wake up in blinding pain and that will be real life.

"Lucy. I got one sentence out of you, and I want more."

"Can I go early?"

She sighs quietly. "Okay. See you again on Thursday."

When I get home, Puck's waiting with Beth. "That's a low blow," I mutter, even as I take the baby into my arms. "What's this supposed to be? Trying to convince me not to kill myself by reminding me I have a child who'll grow up never knowing who I am?"

"No," Puck says. "I just figured you'd like to see her again, if you do it. Even though I don't want you to." His arms slide around me, and then he takes Beth from me and puts her on my bed so we can hug properly. "I kinda love you, Lucy. In a best friend way. And I don't want you to hurt yourself, but I also want you to do whatever makes you happy. It's confusing."

I chuckle. "You're confusing."

We hug, a thawing hug, and eventually I lean up and kiss him gently on the mouth. It's familiar, a habit I could get back into very easily. But he pushes me away. "Lucy, you're gay."

"I know." I hug him again and nuzzle his chest. "But you're sweet."

"And you're still gay." He pets my hair. "And our baby is right there, Lucy."

I laugh quietly. "I love you too, by the way. You're nice and easy, Puck. But I decided not to take the easy route anymore." I pull away and pick up Beth. "Sometimes the easy route isn't the best."

"Then why'd you try to kill yourself?"

I shrug gently, begin to rock Beth in the cradle of my arms. "Who ever said that suicide was easy?" Things are sliding out of my mouth now and I can't stop them. I don't want to stop them. Puck is good; if I ask him to stay quiet, he won't tell. "It wasn't easy. It was so hard. It got easier when everything got fuzzy, when I stopped being me, but it was hard, Puck. And please don't tell anyone anything we're discussing."

Puck nods eagerly. "As long as you get it out, babe. Consider me sworn to secrecy."

I sit down, feeling Beth squirm against me, trying to find something to grab. I give her a finger and let her suck on it. "This one wouldn't have cared. She'd have grown up with Shelby as her mother and you for a biological father and she'd never think about the messed-up girl that pushed her out and gave her away. Do you know how much thoughts can hurt sometimes, Noah? They stick in you and pull like barbed wire and you can't get them out until they're all you can think about: She will never love me. There's nobody that would care enough to stop me. I am irreparably broken."

Puck rubs my arm. "Hey. Don't you think like that. Beth is going to know who you are someday. Me and Shelby already talked about it, we were just waiting to talk to you about it too before we made it official."

"When?" I ask, as in, When is it going to happen?

"When she's eighteen." Puck sighs. "A month after her birthday, is the plan."

I nod. "I'm… okay with that." When she's eighteen, she'll know she had a failure for a birth mother. She'll know that, contained in her genes, she has addiction and depression and so many bad things.

"Rachel's downstairs," Puck adds. "Or, at least, she should be. I sent her a text when I saw you coming in. She's been wanting to see you for a while now, but Judy keeps telling her to stay away. Your mom's determined to protect you, by the way. She feels like she's failed as your mother. But Judy promised to give us some space, and she said she trusted me, so I'm bringing in Rachel. If you want me to be gone…"

"I want you in here," I say firmly. "And I want Beth in here, too." At least I know she won't scream at me if there's a cute, delicately sleeping baby in the room.

My ex-boyfriend sends a text, and soon my never-was-girlfriend is in my room.

"Hi," Rachel says awkwardly.

"Do you want to hold Beth?" I offer the child, and Rachel accepts her gently. Beth accepts the trade without even a hint of waking. "Why are you here, Rachel?"

"Because I want to talk to you." She sighs. "I missed you so much, Quinn, and—"

"Lucy," I correct absently, mostly out of habit, partly out of desire to see the way her eyes flare with annoyance. Such fire. I used to be able to manage flames of passion easily. Now, even if I'm only mostly numb, I can barely manage warmth.

"_Quinn_," she says once more, very pointedly, bringing a reluctant smile to my face, "I missed you. It's been a long time and things didn't go well the first time, which _might_ have been partially my fault—"

"Or entirely," I say with a small smile, now less reluctant. I'm cracking. The numb is falling apart, leaving me defenseless. I gather as much of it as I can so I don't have to face this spear of speech without armor.

Rachel huffs. "Don't argue with me while I'm holding your baby, Quinn."

"Lucy."

"_Quinn._"

Laughter bursts out of me. It's so sudden and unexpected that it freezes everyone. I hastily withdraw into myself, away from their looks.

Suddenly, Rachel's touching me. I look; Puck is holding Beth, retreating. I want to tell them not to go, but air won't reach my lungs. Rachel grabs my shoulders and positions me in front of my mirror and says, "Quinn. Do me a favor and look at yourself."

I do. I find a ghost of a girl, the memory of strength and the current of despair. I wonder if the others see what I do—the ghost, the barely-there hint of what once was, what never will be again. I wonder if they'd let me drift away if they saw what I do.

"Now take everything you just thought about yourself and throw it in the trash because, dammit, Quinn, I love you, and if you ever try something like that again, I am going to be there, and I'm going to slap you across your stupid face and then I'm going to fix you, and I'm going to do it over and over again until you stop trying! Dammit, Quinn." I can see the tears in her eyes. "Don't you know what it means when I say I love you?"

It's not the words, really—more the tone, that broken, needy way she says them.

I crack apart in a million places and her arms come around me to hold me together.

* * *

"How are you feeling today?"

I smile at Emily, and her familiar greeting. I decided to stay in Rosewood for the rest of my high school career after Rachel broke the dams that held all my bad feelings at bay. I started talking to Doctor Lubov, little by little. It wasn't easy, but I forced myself to do it. I cleaned out all my dark little corners.

And then I started sweeping out the rest of the place.

"Good," I answer Emily. "How're you doing?"

She smiles. "I'm doing good. Me and Paige had a late night last night." The way her grin widens betrays what they were doing and it makes me smile. At least someone's happy. And although I won't ever tell them, the idea of them together has gotten me through many a lonely night.

"How's Rachel?"

The question distracts me from my thoughts (sometimes necessary, as any thoughts eventually lead to the dark places) and I answer, "Good. We're going slow. Stopping, actually. I decided to get my head straightened out and after that… who knows." I shrug and add, "I've gotten kinda used to single life, actually. Being in love can get tiring sometimes. Is that weird?"

"Sort of." Emily leans forward, crossing her legs and putting her elbows on each leg, lacing her fingers under her chin. "And how do you feel about that, Lucy?" she asks, doing a scarily accurate impression of my therapist. "What does it make you think about?"

I scowl. "I knew I shouldn't have taken you." Doctor Lubov said I needed practice letting other people in, so I took Emily and Paige to one session. "I should have known you'd use it for evil."

Emily smiles. "That's saintly compared to what Paige likes to do now. She stops during—I mean, you know—" I nod, knowing what she means and that she's not going to actually say it and if I interrupt her she's not going to tell me and I'm sort of curious— "And she starts talking to me like a therapist, all, _How does this make you feel?_ It's actually kind of a turn-on, to be honest."

I giggle, imagining it. "But, seriously. I told Rachel to give me until we start college, and then I'd decide. I think…"

When I don't continue for long moments, Emily finishes, "You think that you're going to stay alone?"

I laugh quietly. "Yeah. For a while, anyways. We'll see. It's just easier for me. Relationships are complicated, and sometimes complicated is good, but sometimes its bad. Sometimes you have to take a step back and just live before you think about loving."

"Philosophical," Emily praises with a warm smile.

"Poetic, I prefer."

I smile up at Spencer as she sits down next to me. "Where's Jen?"

"Talking to Paige, trying to find out what her birthday surprise is." Spencer laughs, and I'm reminded of my birthday surprise, when Spencer convinced me that my mother had a stroke and when I got home everyone shouted surprise. "It's not like I'm going to be mean."

"Yes," I say in a very mild tone, "it's not like anyone's going to have a stroke."

Spencer shrugs. "Not my finest work, I admit. I just needed to figure out a way to get you home fast."

"How about, 'Hey, Lucy, we should go to your house and read poetry and blog about our feels.' I'd be home faster than a time-traveling salmon."

"That doesn't make sense," Spencer accuses, although with a smile on her face.

"It makes perfect sense. If a salmon can travel in time, it can go home whenever it wants because it can be that time anytime it wants."

"But—"

"They at it again?"

I turn to glare at Aria, but it comes out more of a pout. "You say that like it's annoying. We are having an invigorating and enlightening debate."

Spencer laughs. "Debate? This isn't debate, Fabray. This is you being wrong."

"I'm five seconds from punching you," I warn.

"Is Lucy murdering Spencer again?"

I glare at Hanna, and she shrugs. "What? With all the abuse you two lay on each other, it's not a stretch."

"That," Spencer clarifies, "is just sports."

A phantom ache has me rubbing my arm where she got me particularly hard. "Although you could be a bit gentler."

"I'll go soft when you go soft, Luce."

"Is my girlfriend flirting again?"

Spencer turns and kisses Jenna. "I was most certainly not. We were simply discussing how Lucy is a big baby and she needs to take her hits like a grown woman."

I roll my eyes. "I can take my hits, Spencer. I wasn't lying about those cheerleading scars. You club me. Like a caveman."

Spencer tries to defend herself, but everyone's too busy laughing at the image of Caveman Spencer. In the end, Spencer just pouts, and Jenna kisses it off of her. They're drawn into each other, kissing harder, wrapping their arms around each other.

I like them together. They consistently challenge each other, and sometimes they break up because their fights escalate quickly, but in the end they gravitate together again because that's just how they are. I can see the love and warmth in their hard kisses and commanding hands.

Someday they'll settle down and have kids or something, they'll calm down and be happy together. I can see it. It won't be easy, but they will.

"Luce," Emily murmurs, grabbing my hand. "You're staring, and it's kind of weird."

I laugh. "I was thinking, Em. Not staring. Just thinking."

"Whatever you say." She squeezes my hand and releases it. "Why don't you tell Spencer and Aria the good news?"

"What good news?" Aria asks, as Spencer continues making out with her girlfriend.

"I'm going to be alone, potentially for the rest of my life. By choice." I shrug. "Relationships aren't good for me."

Spencer squeezes my shoulder. "Whatever's good for you, I support. And Jenny supports too, right?"

"Don't call me Jenny," she grumbles against her girlfriend's mouth, but she still smiles warmly at me. "But, whatever, yeah, support and all that. Spencer, come back here." They make out again.

Eventually I excuse myself from the group, calling Rachel.

"Hey," she chirps excitedly. "How are you doing?"

I take a moment to consider that. I'm now friends with a woman I was (and still am) in love with, a girl who helped me realize that I need time to learn what I want, and an object of my lust; I'm depressed and considered a suicide risk; I'm surrounded by people who want to help me get better; I'm dedicated to making myself happier, sometimes by making other people happier; and I'm going to be alone until I learn exactly who I am, if I'm a person who's happy with other people.

So I say, "Better."


End file.
